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No sort of duty （so I hear）；
And fifteen hundred pounds a year！
〃If on the price we should agree；
The living soon will vacant be；
The good incumbent's ninety five；
And cannot very long survive。
See … here's his photograph … you see；
He's in his dotage。〃 〃Ah； dear me！
Poor soul！〃 said SIMON。 〃His decease
Would be a merciful release！〃
The agent laughed … the agent blinked …
The agent blew his nose and winked …
And poked the parson's ribs in play …
It was that agent's vulgar way。
The REVEREND SIMON frowned： 〃I grieve
This light demeanour to perceive；
It's scarcely COMME IL FAUT； I think：
Now … pray oblige me … do not wink。
〃Don't dig my waistcoat into holes …
Your mission is to sell the souls
Of human sheep and human kids
To that divine who highest bids。
〃Do well in this； and on your head
Unnumbered honours will be shed。〃
The agent said； 〃Well； truth to tell；
I HAVE been doing very well。〃
〃You should；〃 said SIMON； 〃at your age；
But now about the parsonage。
How many rooms does it contain？
Show me the photograph again。
〃A poor apostle's humble house
Must not be too luxurious；
No stately halls with oaken floor …
It should be decent and no more。
〃 No billiard…rooms … no stately trees …
No croquet…grounds or pineries。〃
〃Ah！〃 sighed the agent； 〃very true：
This property won't do for you。〃
〃All these about the house you'll find。〃 …
〃Well；〃 said the parson； 〃never mind；
I'll manage to submit to these
Luxurious superfluities。
〃A clergyman who does not shirk
The various calls of Christian work；
Will have no leisure to employ
These 'common forms' of worldly joy。
〃To preach three times on Sabbath days …
To wean the lost from wicked ways …
The sick to soothe … the sane to wed …
The poor to feed with meat and bread；
〃These are the various wholesome ways
In which I'll spend my nights and days：
My zeal will have no time to cool
At croquet； archery； or pool。〃
The agent said； 〃From what I hear；
This living will not suit； I fear …
There are no poor； no sick at all；
For services there is no call。〃
The reverend gent looked grave； 〃Dear me！
Then there is NO 'society'？ …
I mean； of course； no sinners there
Whose souls will be my special care？〃
The cunning agent shook his head；
〃No； none … except〃 … （the agent said） …
〃The DUKE OF A。； the EARL OF B。；
The MARQUIS C。； and VISCOUNT D。
〃But you will not be quite alone；
For though they've chaplains of their own；
Of course this noble well…bred clan
Receive the parish clergyman。〃
〃Oh； silence； sir！〃 said SIMON M。；
〃Dukes … Earls！ What should I care for them？
These worldly ranks I scorn and flout！〃
〃Of course；〃 the agent said； 〃no doubt！〃
〃Yet I might show these men of birth
The hollowness of rank on earth。〃
The agent answered； 〃Very true …
But I should not； if I were you。〃
〃Who sells this rich advowson； pray？〃
The agent winked … it was his way …
〃His name is HART； 'twixt me and you；
He is； I'm grieved to say； a Jew！〃
〃A Jew？〃 said SIMON； 〃happy find！
I purchase this advowson； mind。
My life shall be devoted to
Converting that unhappy Jew！〃
Ballad： MY DREAM。
THE other night； from cares exempt；
I slept … and what d'you think I dreamt？
I dreamt that somehow I had come
To dwell in Topsy…Turveydom …
Where vice is virtue … virtue； vice：
Where nice is nasty … nasty； nice：
Where right is wrong and wrong is right …
Where white is black and black is white。
Where babies； much to their surprise；
Are born astonishingly wise；
With every Science on their lips；
And Art at all their finger…tips。
For； as their nurses dandle them
They crow binomial theorem；
With views （it seems absurd to us）
On differential calculus。
But though a babe； as I have said；
Is born with learning in his head；
He must forget it； if he can；
Before he calls himself a man。
For that which we call folly here；
Is wisdom in that favoured sphere；
The wisdom we so highly prize
Is blatant folly in their eyes。
A boy； if he would push his way；
Must learn some nonsense every day；
And cut； to carry out this view；
His wisdom teeth and wisdom too。
Historians burn their midnight oils；
Intent on giant…killers' toils；
And sages close their aged eyes
To other sages' lullabies。
Our magistrates； in duty bound；
Commit all robbers who are found；
But there the Beaks （so people said）
Commit all robberies instead。
Our Judges； pure and wise in tone；
Know crime from theory alone；
And glean the motives of a thief
From books and popular belief。
But there； a Judge who wants to prime
His mind with true ideas of crime；
Derives them from the common sense
Of practical experience。
Policemen march all folks away
Who practise virtue every day …
Of course； I mean to say； you know；
What we call virtue here below。
For only scoundrels dare to do
What we consider just and true；
And only good men do； in fact；
What we should think a dirty act。
But strangest of these social twirls；
The girls are boys … the boys are girls！
The men are women； too … but then；
PER CONTRA； women all are men。
To one who to tradition clings
This seems an awkward state of things；
But if to think it out you try；
It doesn't really signify。
With them； as surely as can be；
A sailor should be sick at sea；
And not a passenger may sail
Who cannot smoke right through a gale。
A soldier （save by rarest luck）
Is always shot for showing pluck
（That is； if others can be found
With pluck enough to fire a round）。
〃How strange！〃 I said to one I saw；
〃You quite upset our every law。
However can you get along
So systematically wrong？〃
〃Dear me！〃 my mad informant said；
〃Have you no eyes within your head？
You sneer when you your hat should doff：
Why； we begin where you leave off！
〃Your wisest men are very far
Less learned than our babies are！〃
I mused awhile … and then； oh me！
I framed this brilliant repartee：
〃Although your babes are wiser far
Than our most valued sages are；
Your sages； with their toys and cots；
Are duller than our idiots！〃
But this remark； I grieve to state；
Came just a little bit too late
For as I framed it in my head；
I woke and found myself in bed。
Still I could wish that； 'stead of here；
My lot were in that favoured sphere！ …
Where greatest fools bear off the bell
I ought to do extremely well。
Ballad： THE BISHOP OF RUM…TI…FOO AGAIN。
I OFTEN wonder whether you
Think sometimes of that Bishop； who
From black but balmy Rum…ti…Foo
Last summer twelvemonth came。
Unto your mind I p'r'aps may bring
Remembrance of the man I sing
To…day； by simply mentioning
That PETER was his name。
Remember how that holy man
Came with the great Colonial clan
To Synod；