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The girls were amused at his singular spleen；
Especially ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN；
〃MACPHAIRSON CLONGLOCKETTY ANGUS； my lad；
With pibrochs and reels you are driving me mad。
If you really must play on that cursed affair；
My goodness！ play something resembling an air。〃
Boiled over the blood of MACPHAIRSON McCLAN …
The Clan of Clonglocketty rose as one man；
For all were enraged at the insult； I ween …
Especially ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN。
〃Let's show；〃 said McCLAN； 〃to this Sassenach loon
That the bagpipes CAN play him a regular tune。
Let's see；〃 said McCLAN； as he thoughtfully sat；
〃'IN MY COTTAGE' is easy … I'll practise at that。〃
He blew at his 〃Cottage；〃 and blew with a will；
For a year； seven months； and a fortnight； until
（You'll hardly believe it） McCLAN； I declare；
Elicited something resembling an air。
It was wild … it was fitful … as wild as the breeze …
It wandered about into several keys；
It was jerky； spasmodic； and harsh； I'm aware；
But still it distinctly suggested an air。
The Sassenach screamed； and the Sassenach danced；
He shrieked in his agony … bellowed and pranced；
And the maidens who gathered rejoiced at the scene …
Especially ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN。
〃Hech gather； hech gather； hech gather around；
And fill a' ye lugs wi' the exquisite sound。
An air fra' the bagpipes … beat that if ye can！
Hurrah for CLONGLOCKETTY ANGUS McCLAN！〃
The fame of his piping spread over the land：
Respectable widows proposed for his hand；
And maidens came flocking to sit on the green …
Especially ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN。
One morning the fidgety Sassenach swore
He'd stand it no longer … he drew his claymore；
And （this was； I think； in extremely bad taste）
Divided CLONGLOCKETTY close to the waist。
Oh！ loud were the wailings for ANGUS McCLAN；
Oh！ deep was the grief for that excellent man；
The maids stood aghast at the horrible scene …
Especially ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN。
It sorrowed poor PATTISON CORBY TORBAY
To find them 〃take on〃 in this serious way；
He pitied the poor little fluttering birds；
And solaced their souls with the following words：
〃Oh； maidens；〃 said PATTISON； touching his hat；
〃Don't blubber； my dears； for a fellow like that；
Observe； I'm a very superior man；
A much better fellow than ANGUS McCLAN。〃
They smiled when he winked and addressed them as 〃dears；〃
And they all of them vowed； as they dried up their tears；
A pleasanter gentleman never was seen …
Especially ELLEN McJONES ABERDEEN。
Ballad： PETER THE WAG。
POLICEMAN PETER FORTH I drag
From his obscure retreat：
He was a merry genial wag；
Who loved a mad conceit。
If he were asked the time of day；
By country bumpkins green；
He not unfrequently would say；
〃A quarter past thirteen。〃
If ever you by word of mouth
Inquired of MISTER FORTH
The way to somewhere in the South；
He always sent you North。
With little boys his beat along
He loved to stop and play；
He loved to send old ladies wrong；
And teach their feet to stray。
He would in frolic moments； when
Such mischief bent upon；
Take Bishops up as betting men …
Bid Ministers move on。
Then all the worthy boys he knew
He regularly licked；
And always collared people who
Had had their pockets picked。
He was not naturally bad；
Or viciously inclined；
But from his early youth he had
A waggish turn of mind。
The Men of London grimly scowled
With indignation wild；
The Men of London gruffly growled；
But PETER calmly smiled。
Against this minion of the Crown
The swelling murmurs grew …
From Camberwell to Kentish Town …
From Rotherhithe to Kew。
Still humoured he his wagsome turn；
And fed in various ways
The coward rage that dared to burn；
But did not dare to blaze。
Still； Retribution has her day；
Although her flight is slow：
ONE DAY THAT CRUSHER LOST HIS WAY
NEAR POLAND STREET； SOHO。
The haughty boy； too proud to ask；
To find his way resolved；
And in the tangle of his task
Got more and more involved。
The Men of London； overjoyed；
Came there to jeer their foe；
And flocking crowds completely cloyed
The mazes of Soho。
The news on telegraphic wires
Sped swiftly o'er the lea；
Excursion trains from distant shires
Brought myriads to see。
For weeks he trod his self…made beats
Through Newport… Gerrard… Bear…
Greek… Rupert… Frith… Dean… Poland… Streets；
And into Golden Square。
But all； alas！ in vain； for when
He tried to learn the way
Of little boys or grown…up men；
They none of them would say。
Their eyes would flash … their teeth would grind …
Their lips would tightly curl …
They'd say； 〃Thy way thyself must find；
Thou misdirecting churl！〃
And； similarly； also； when
He tried a foreign friend；
Italians answered； 〃IL BALEN〃 …
The French； 〃No comprehend。〃
The Russ would say with gleaming eye
〃 Sevastopol！〃 and groan。
The Greek said； ＇GREEK TEXT WHICH CANNOT
BE REPRODUCED＇。〃
To wander thus for many a year
That Crusher never ceased …
The Men of London dropped a tear；
Their anger was appeased
At length exploring gangs were sent
To find poor FORTH'S remains …
A handsome grant by Parliament
Was voted for their pains。
To seek the poor policeman out
Bold spirits volunteered；
And when they swore they'd solve the doubt；
The Men of London cheered。
And in a yard； dark； dank； and drear；
They found him； on the floor …
It leads from Richmond Buildings … near
The Royalty stage…door。
With brandy cold and brandy hot
They plied him； starved and wet；
And made him sergeant on the spot …
The Men of London's pet！
Ballad： TO THE TERRESTRIAL GLOBE。 BY A MISERABLE WRETCH。
ROLL on； thou ball； roll on！
Through pathless realms of Space
Roll on！
What though I'm in a sorry case？
What though I cannot meet my bills？
What though I suffer toothache's ills？
What though I swallow countless pills？
Never YOU mind！
Roll on！
Roll on； thou ball； roll on！
Through seas of inky air
Roll on！
It's true I've got no shirts to wear；
It's true my butcher's bill is due；
It's true my prospects all look blue …
But don't let that unsettle you！
Never YOU mind！
Roll on！
＇IT ROLLS ON。
Ballad： GENTLE ALICE BROWN。
IT was a robber's daughter； and her name was ALICE BROWN；
Her father was the terror of a small Italian town；
Her mother was a foolish； weak； but amiable old thing；
But it isn't of her parents that I'm going for to sing。
As ALICE was a…sitting at her window…sill one day；
A beautiful young gentleman he chanced to pass that way；
She cast her eyes upon him； and he looked so good and true；
That she thought； 〃I could be happy with a gentleman like you！〃
And every morning passed her house that cream of gentlemen；
She knew she might expect him at a quarter unto ten；
A sorter in the Custom…house； it was hi