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been sacrificed to the ignorance of the peasantry。
'SECTION D。 … STATISTICS。
OUT…HOUSE； BLACK BOY AND STOMACH…ACHE。
PRESIDENT … Mr。 Slug。 VICE…PRESIDENTS … Messrs。 Noakes and Styles。
'MR。 KWAKLEY stated the result of some most ingenious statistical
inquiries relative to the difference between the value of the
qualification of several members of Parliament as published to the
world； and its real nature and amount。 After reminding the section
that every member of Parliament for a town or borough was supposed
to possess a clear freehold estate of three hundred pounds per
annum； the honourable gentleman excited great amusement and
laughter by stating the exact amount of freehold property possessed
by a column of legislators； in which he had included himself。 It
appeared from this table； that the amount of such income possessed
by each was 0 pounds； 0 shillings； and 0 pence； yielding an average
of the same。 （Great laughter。） It was pretty well known that there
were accommodating gentlemen in the habit of furnishing new members
with temporary qualifications； to the ownership of which they swore
solemnly … of course as a mere matter of form。 He argued from
these DATA that it was wholly unnecessary for members of Parliament
to possess any property at all； especially as when they had none
the public could get them so much cheaper。
'SUPPLEMENTARY SECTION； E。 … UMBUGOLOGY AND DITCHWATERISICS。
PRESIDENT … Mr。 Grub。 VICE PRESIDENTS … Messrs。 Dull and Dummy。
'A paper was read by the secretary descriptive of a bay pony with
one eye； which had been seen by the author standing in a butcher's
cart at the corner of Newgate Market。 The communication described
the author of the paper as having； in the prosecution of a
mercantile pursuit； betaken himself one Saturday morning last
summer from Somers Town to Cheapside； in the course of which
expedition he had beheld the extraordinary appearance above
described。 The pony had one distinct eye； and it had been pointed
out to him by his friend Captain Blunderbore； of the Horse Marines；
who assisted the author in his search； that whenever he winked this
eye he whisked his tail （possibly to drive the flies off）； but that
he always winked and whisked at the same time。 The animal was
lean； spavined； and tottering； and the author proposed to
constitute it of the family of FITFORDOGSMEATAURIOUS。 It certainly
did occur to him that there was no case on record of a pony with
one clearly…defined and distinct organ of vision； winking and
whisking at the same moment。
'MR。 Q。 J。 SNUFFLETOFFLE had heard of a pony winking his eye； and
likewise of a pony whisking his tail； but whether they were two
ponies or the same pony he could not undertake positively to say。
At all events； he was acquainted with no authenticated instance of
a simultaneous winking and whisking； and he really could not but
doubt the existence of such a marvellous pony in opposition to all
those natural laws by which ponies were governed。 Referring；
however； to the mere question of his one organ of vision； might he
suggest the possibility of this pony having been literally half
asleep at the time he was seen； and having closed only one eye。
'THE PRESIDENT observed that； whether the pony was half asleep or
fast asleep； there could be no doubt that the association was wide
awake； and therefore that they had better get the business over；
and go to dinner。 He had certainly never seen anything analogous
to this pony； but he was not prepared to doubt its existence； for
he had seen many queerer ponies in his time； though he did not
pretend to have seen any more remarkable donkeys than the other
gentlemen around him。
'PROFESSOR JOHN KETCH was then called upon to exhibit the skull of
the late Mr。 Greenacre； which he produced from a blue bag；
remarking； on being invited to make any observations that occurred
to him； 〃that he'd pound it as that 'ere 'spectable section had
never seed a more gamerer cove nor he vos。〃
'A most animated discussion upon this interesting relic ensued；
and； some difference of opinion arising respecting the real
character of the deceased gentleman； Mr。 Blubb delivered a lecture
upon the cranium before him； clearly showing that Mr。 Greenacre
possessed the organ of destructiveness to a most unusual extent；
with a most remarkable development of the organ of carveativeness。
Sir Hookham Snivey was proceeding to combat this opinion； when
Professor Ketch suddenly interrupted the proceedings by exclaiming；
with great excitement of manner； 〃Walker！〃
'THE PRESIDENT begged to call the learned gentleman to order。
'PROFESSOR KETCH。 … 〃Order be blowed！ you've got the wrong un； I
tell you。 It ain't no 'ed at all； it's a coker…nut as my brother…
in…law has been a…carvin'； to hornament his new baked tatur…stall
wots a…comin' down 'ere vile the 'sociation's in the town。 Hand
over； vill you？〃
'With these words； Professor Ketch hastily repossessed himself of
the cocoa…nut； and drew forth the skull； in mistake for which he
had exhibited it。 A most interesting conversation ensued； but as
there appeared some doubt ultimately whether the skull was Mr。
Greenacre's； or a hospital patient's； or a pauper's； or a man's； or
a woman's； or a monkey's； no particular result was obtained。'
'I cannot；' says our talented correspondent in conclusion； 'I
cannot close my account of these gigantic researches and sublime
and noble triumphs without repeating a BON MOT of Professor
Woodensconce's； which shows how the greatest minds may occasionally
unbend when truth can be presented to listening ears； clothed in an
attractive and playful form。 I was standing by； when； after a week
of feasting and feeding； that learned gentleman； accompanied by the
whole body of wonderful men； entered the hall yesterday； where a
sumptuous dinner was prepared； where the richest wines sparkled on
the board； and fat bucks … propitiatory sacrifices to learning …
sent forth their savoury odours。 〃Ah！〃 said Professor
Woodensconce； rubbing his hands； 〃this is what we meet for； this is
what inspires us； this is what keeps us together； and beckons us
onward； this is the SPREAD of science； and a glorious spread it
is。〃'
THE PANTOMIME OF LIFE
Before we plunge headlong into this paper； let us at once confess
to a fondness for pantomimes … to a gentle sympathy with clowns and
pantaloons … to an unqualified admiration of harlequins and
columbines … to a chaste delight in every action of their brief
existence； varied and many…coloured as those actions are； and
inconsistent though they occasionally be with those rigid and
formal rules of propriety which regulate the proceedings of meaner
and less comprehensive minds。 We revel in pantomimes … not because
they dazzle one's eyes with tinsel and gold leaf； not because they
present to us； once again； the well…beloved chalked fa