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ordeal。
January 12。
I am always ill。
The Comte de N。 sent me some money yesterday。 I did not keep it。 I
won't take anything from that man。 It is through him that you are not here。
Oh； that good time at Bougival！ Where is it now？
If I come out of this room alive I will make a pilgrimage to the house
we lived in together； but I will never leave it until I am dead。
Who knows if I shall write to you to…morrow？
January 25。
I have not slept for eleven nights。 I am suffocated。 I imagine every
moment that I am going to die。 The doctor has forbidden me to touch a
pen。 Julie Duprat； who is looking after me； lets me write these few lines to
you。 Will you not come back before I die？ Is it all over between us forever？
It seems to me as if I should get well if you came。 What would be the good
of getting well？
January 28。
This morning I was awakened by a great noise。 Julie； who slept in my
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room； ran into the dining…room。 I heard men's voices； and hers protesting
against them in vain。 She came back crying。
They had come to seize my things。 I told her to let what they call
justice have its way。 The bailiff came into my room with his hat on。 He
opened the drawers； wrote down what he saw； and did not even seem to be
aware that there was a dying woman in the bed that fortunately the charity
of the law leaves me。
He said； indeed； before going； that I could appeal within nine days； but
he left a man behind to keep watch。 My God！ what is to become of me？
This scene has made me worse than I was before。 Prudence wanted to go
and ask your father's friend for money； but I would not let her。
I received your letter this morning。 I was in need of it。 Will my answer
reach you in time？ Will you ever see me again？ This is a happy day； and it
has made me forget all the days I have passed for the last six weeks。 I
seem as if I am better； in spite of the feeling of sadness under the
impression of which I replied to you。
After all； no one is unhappy always。
When I think that it may happen to me not to die； for you to come back；
for me to see the spring again； for you still to love me； and for us to begin
over again our last year's life！
Fool that I am！ I can scarcely hold the pen with which I write to you of
this wild dream of my heart。
Whatever happens； I loved you well； Armand； and I would have died
long ago if I had not had the memory of your love to help me and a sort of
vague hope of seeing you beside me again。
February 4。
The Comte de G。 has returned。 His mistress has been unfaithful to him。
He is very sad； he was very fond of her。 He came to tell me all about it。
The poor fellow is in rather a bad way as to money； all the same； he has
paid my bailiff and sent away the man。
I talked to him about you； and he promised to tell you about me。 I
forgot that I had been his mistress； and he tried to make me forget it； too。
He is a good friend。
The duke sent yesterday to inquire after me； and this morning he came
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to see me。 I do not know how the old man still keeps alive。 He remained
with me three hours and did not say twenty words。 Two big tears fell from
his eyes when he saw how pale I was。 The memory of his daughter's death
made him weep； no doubt。 He will have seen her die twice。 His back was
bowed； his head bent toward the ground； his lips drooping； his eyes vacant。
Age and sorrow weigh with a double weight on his worn…out body。 He did
not reproach me。 It looked as if he rejoiced secretly to see the ravages that
disease had made in me。 He seemed proud of being still on his feet； while
I； who am still young； was broken down by suffering。
The bad weather has returned。 No one comes to see me。 Julie watches
by me as much as she can。 Prudence； to whom I can no longer give as
much as I used to； begins to make excuses for not coming。
Now that I am so near death； in spite of what the doctors tell me； for I
have several； which proves that I am getting worse； I am almost sorry that
I listened to your father； if I had known that I should only be taking a year
of your future； I could not have resisted the longing to spend that year with
you； and； at least； I should have died with a friend to hold my hand。 It is
true that if we had lived together this year； I should not have died so soon。
God's will be done！
February 5。
Oh； come； come； Armand！ I suffer horribly； I am going to die； O God！
I was so miserable yesterday that I wanted to spend the evening； which
seemed as if it were going to be as long as the last； anywhere but at home。
The duke came in the morning。 It seems to me as if the sight of this old
man； whom death has forgotten； makes me die faster。
Despite the burning fever which devoured me； I made them dress me
and take me to the Vaudeville。 Julie put on some rouge for me； without
which I should have looked like a corpse。 I had the box where I gave you
our first rendezvous。 All the time I had my eyes fixed on the stall where
you sat that day； though a sort of country fellow sat there； laughing loudly
at all the foolish things that the actors said。 I was half dead when they
brought me home。 I coughed and spat blood all the night。 To…day I can not
speak； I can scarcely move my arm。 My God！ My God！ I am going to die！
I have been expecting it； but I can not get used to the thought of suffering
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more than I suffer now； and if
After this the few characters traced by Marguerite were indecipherable；
and what followed was written by Julie Duprat。
February 18。
MONSIEUR ARMAND：
Since the day that Marguerite insisted on going to the theatre she has
got worse and worse。 She has completely lost her voice； and now the use
of her limbs。
What our poor friend suffers is impossible to say。 I am not used to
emotions of this kind； and I am in a state of constant fright。
How I wish you were here！ She is almost always delirious； but
delirious or lucid； it is always your name that she pronounces； when she
can speak a word。
The doctor tells me that she is not here for long。 Since she got so ill the
old duke has not returned。 He told the doctor that t