the secret places of the heart-第38章

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d　our　engagement。〃　〃To　go　back　to　wealth　and　dignity　in　New　York？〃　〃Yes。〃　〃But　you　don't　love　him？〃　〃That's　always　been　plain　to　me。　But　what　I　didn't　realize；　until　I　had　given　my　promise　over　again；　was　that　I　dislike　him　acutely。〃　〃You　hadn't　realized　that　before？〃　〃I　hadn't　thought　about　him　sufficiently。　But　now　I　had　to　think　about　him　a　lot。　The　other　affair　had　given　me　an　idea　perhaps　of　what　it　means　to　be　married　to　a　man。　And　here　I　am　drifting　back　to　him。　The　horrible　thing　about　him　is　the　steady　ENVELOPING　way　in　which　he　has　always　come　at　me。　Without　fellowship。　Without　any　community　of　ideas。　Ready　to　make　the　most　extraordinary　bargains。　So　long　as　he　can　in　any　way　fix　me　and　get　me。　What　does　it　mean？　What　is　there　behind　those　watching；　soliciting　eyes　of　his？　I　don't　in　the　least　love　him；　and　this　desire　and　service　and　all　the　rest　of　it　he　offers　meit's　not　love。　It's　not　even　such　love　as　Caston　gave　me。　It's　a　game　he　plays　with　his　imagination。〃　She　had　released　a　flood　of　new　ideas　in　Sir　Richmond's　mind。　〃This　is　illuminating；〃　he　said。　〃You　dislike　Lake　acutely。　You　always　have　disliked　him。〃　〃I　suppose　I　have。　But　it's　only　now　I　admit　it　to　myself。〃　〃Yes。　And　you　might；　for　example；　have　married　him　in　New　York　before　the　war。〃　〃It　came　very　near　to　that。〃　〃And　then　probably　you　wouldn't　have　discovered　you　disliked　him。　You　wouldn't　have　admitted　it　to　yourself。〃　〃I　suppose　I　shouldn't。　I　suppose　I　should　have　tried　to　believe　I　loved　him。〃　〃Women　do　this　sort　of　thing。　Odd！　I　never　realized　it　before。　And　there　are　endless　wives　suppressing　an　acute　dislike。　My　wife　does。　I　see　now　quite　clearly　that　she　detests　me。　Reasonably　enough。　From　her　angle　I'm　entirely　detestable。　But　she　won't　admit　it；　won't　know　of　it。　She　never　will。　To　the　end　of　my　life；　always；　she　will　keep　that　detestation　unconfessed。　She　puts　a　face　on　the　matter。　We　both　do。　And　this　affair　of　yours。　。　。　。　Have　you　thought　how　unjust　it　is　to　Lake？〃　〃Not　nearly　so　much　as　I　might　have　done。〃　〃It　is　unfair　to　him。　Atrociously　unfair。　He's　not　my　sort　of　man；　perhaps；　but　it　will　hurt　him　cruelly　according　to　the　peculiar　laws　of　his　being。　He　seems　to　me　a　crawling　sort　of　lover　with　an　immense　self…conceit　at　the　back　of　his　crawlingness。〃　〃He　has；〃　she　endorsed。　〃He　backs　himself　to　crawluntil　he　crawls　triumphantly　right　over　you　。　。　。　。　I　don't　like　to　think　of　the　dream　he　has　。　。　。　。　I　take　it　he　will　lose。　Is　it　fair　to　go　into　this　game　with　him？〃　〃In　the　interests　of　Lake；〃　she　said；　smiling　softly　at　Sir　Richmond　in　the　moonlight。　〃But　you　are　perfectly　right。〃　〃And　suppose　he　doesn't　lose！〃　Sir　Richmond　found　himself　uttering　sentiments。　〃There　is　only　one　decent　way　in　which　a　civilized　man　and　a　civilized　woman　may　approach　one　another。　Passionate　desire　is　not　enough。　What　is　called　love　is　not　enough。　Pledges；　rational　considerations；　all　these　things　are　worthless。　All　these　things　are　compatible　with　hate。　The　primary　essential　is　friendship；　clear　understanding；　absolute　confidence。　Then　within　that　condition；　in　that　elect　relationship；　love　is　permissible；　mating；　marriage　or　no　marriage；　as　you　will　all　things　are　permissible。　。　。　。〃　Came　a　long　pause　between　them。　〃Dear　old　cathedral；〃　said　Miss　Grammont；　a　little　irrelevantly。　She　had　an　air　of　having　concluded　something　that　to　Sir　Richmond　seemed　scarcely　to　have　begun。　She　stood　looking　at　the　great　dark　facade　edged　with　moonlight　for　some　moments；　and　then　turned　towards　the　hotel；　which　showed　a　pink…lit　window。　〃I　wonder；〃　she　said；　〃if　Belinda　is　still　up；　And　what　she　will　think　when　I　tell　her　of　the　final　extinction　of　Mr。　Lake。　I　think　she　rather　looked　forward　to　being　the　intimate　friend；　secrets　and　everything；　of　Mrs。　Gunter　Lake。〃　Section　10　Sir　Richmond　woke　up　at　dawn　and　he　woke　out　of　an　extraordinary　dream。　He　was　saying　to　Miss　Grammont：　〃There　is　no　other　marriage　than　the　marriage　of　true　minds。　There　is　no　other　marriage　than　the　marriage　of　true　minds。〃　He　saw　her　as　he　had　seen　her　the　evening　before；　light　and　cool；　coming　towards　him　in　the　moonlight　from　the　hotel。　But　also　in　the　inconsistent　way　of　dreams　he　was　very　close　to　her　kind；　faintly　smiling　face；　and　his　eyes　were　wet　with　tears　and　he　was　kissing　her　hand。　〃My　dear　wife　and　mate；〃　he　was　saying；　and　suddenly　he　was　kissing　her　cool　lips。　He　woke　up　and　stared　at　his　dream；　which　faded　out　only　very　slowly　before　the　fresh　sun　rise　upon　the　red　tiles　and　tree　boughs　outside　the　open　window；　and　before　the　first　stir　and　clamour　of　the　birds。　He　felt　like　a　court　in　which　some　overwhelmingly　revolutionary　piece　of　evidence　had　been　tendered。　All　the　elaborate　defence　had　broken　down　at　one　blow。　He　sat　up　on　the　edge　of　his　bed；　facing　the　new　fact。　〃This　is　monstrous　and　ridiculous；〃　he　said；　〃and　Martineau　judged　me　exactly。　I　am　in　love　with　her。　。　。　。　I　am　head　over　heels　in　love　with　her。　I　have　never　been　so　much　in　love　or　so　truly　in　love　with　anyone　before。〃　Section　11　That　was　the　dawn　of　a　long　day　of　tension　for　Sir　Richmond　and　Miss　Grammont。　Because　each　was　now　vividly　aware　of　being　in　love　with　the　other　and　so　neither　was　able　to　see　how　things　were　with　the　other。　They　were　afraid　of　each　other。　A　restraint　had　come　upon　them　both；　a　restraint　that　was　greatly　enhanced　by　their　sense　of　Belinda；　acutely　observant；　ostentatiously　tactful　and　self…effacing；　and　prepared　at　the　slightest　encouragement　to　be　overwhelmingly　romantic　and　sympathetic。　Their　talk　waned；　and　was　revived　to　an　artificial　activity　and　waned　again。　The　historical　interest　had　evaporated　from　the　west　of　England　and　left　only　an　urgent　and　embarrassing　present。　But　the　loveliness　of　the　weather　did　not　fail；　and　the　whole　day　was　set　in　Severn　landscapes。　They　first　saw　the　great　river　like　a　sea　with　the　Welsh　mountains　hanging　in　the　sky　behind　as　they　came　over　the　Mendip　crest　above　Shipham。　They　saw　it　again　as　they　crossed　the　hill　before　Clifton　Bridge；　and　so　they　continued；　climbing　to　hill　crests　for　views　at　Alveston　and　near　Dursley；　and　so　to　Gloucester　and　the　lowest　bridge　and　thence　back　down　stream　again　through　fat　meadow　lands　at　first　and　much　apple…blossom　and　then　over　gentle　hills　through　wide；　pale　Nownham　and　Lidney　and　Alvington　and　Woolaston　to　old　Chepstow　and　its　brown　castle；　always　with　the　widening　estuary　to　the　left　of　them　and　its　foaming　shoals　and　shining　sand　banks。　From　Chepstow　they　turned　back　north　along　the　steep　Wye　gorge　to　Tintern；　and　there　at　the　snug　little　Beaufort　Arms　with　its　prim　lawn　and　flower　garden　they　ended　the　day's　journey。　Tintern　Abbey　they　thought　a　poor　graceless　mass　of　ruin　down　beside　the　river；　and　it　was　fenced　about　jealously　and　locked　up　from　their　invasion。　After　dinner　Sir　Richmond　and　Miss　Grammont　went　for　a　walk　in　the　mingled　twilight　and　moonlight　up　the　hill　towards　Chepstow。　Both　of　them　were　absurdly　and　nervously　pressing　to　Belinda　to　come　with　them；　but　she　was　far　too　wise　to　take　this　sudden　desire　for　her　company　seriously。　Her　dinner　shoes；　she　said；　were　too　thin。　Perhaps　she　would　change　and　come　out　a　little　later。　〃Yes；　come　later；〃　said　Miss　Grammont　and　led　the　way　to　the　do