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the aspern papers-第29章

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〃Oh; she lived on them!〃 said Miss Tita。



〃You can imagine whether that makes me want less to see them;〃

I answered; smiling。  〃But don't let me stand here as if I

had it in my soul to tempt you to do anything base。

Naturally you will understand if I give up my rooms。

I leave Venice immediately。〃  And I took up my hat; which I

had placed on a chair。  We were still there rather awkwardly;

on our feet; in the middle of the sala。  She had left

the door of the apartments open behind her but she had not led

me that way。



A kind of spasm came into her face as she saw me take my hat。

〃Immediatelydo you mean today?〃  The tone of the words was tragical

they were a cry of desolation。



〃Oh; no; not so long as I can be of the least service to you。〃



〃Well; just a day or two morejust two or three days;〃 she panted。

Then controlling herself; she added in another manner; 〃She wanted

to say something to methe last daysomething very particular;

but she couldn't。〃



〃Something very particular?〃



〃Something more about the papers。〃



〃And did you guesshave you any idea?〃



〃No; I have thoughtbut I don't know。  I have thought all kinds of things。〃



〃And for instance?〃



〃Well; that if you were a relation it would be different。〃



〃If I were a relation?〃



〃If you were not a stranger。  Then it would be the same for you as for me。

Anything that is minewould be yours; and you could do what you like。

I couldn't prevent youand you would have no responsibility。〃



She brought out this droll explanation with a little nervous rush;

as if she were speaking words she had got by heart。  They gave

me an impression of subtlety and at first I failed to follow。

But after a moment her face helped me to see further;

and then a light came into my mind。  It was embarrassing;

and I bent my head over Jeffrey Aspern's portrait。

What an odd expression was in his face!  〃Get out of it as

you can; my dear fellow!〃  I put the picture into the pocket

of my coat and said to Miss Tita; 〃Yes; I'll sell it for you。

I shan't get a thousand pounds by any means; but I shall

get something good。〃



She looked at me with tears in her eyes; but she seemed to try to smile

as she remarked; 〃We can divide the money。〃



〃No; no; it shall be all yours。〃  Then I went on; 〃I think I know

what your poor aunt wanted to say。  She wanted to give directions

that her papers should be buried with her。〃



Miss Tita appeared to consider this suggestion for a moment;

after which she declared; with striking decision; 〃Oh no;

she wouldn't have thought that safe!〃



〃It seems to me nothing could be safer。〃



〃She had an idea that when people want to publish they are capable〃

And she paused; blushing。



〃Of violating a tomb?  Mercy on us; what must she have thought of me!〃



〃She was not just; she was not generous!〃  Miss Tita cried

with sudden passion。



The light that had come into my mind a moment before increased。

〃Ah; don't say that; for we ARE a dreadful race。〃

Then I pursued; 〃If she left a will; that may give you some idea。〃



〃I have found nothing of the sortshe destroyed it。

She was very fond of me;〃 Miss Tita added incongruously。

〃She wanted me to be happy。  And if any person should be kind to me

she wanted to speak of that。〃



I was almost awestricken at the astuteness with which

the good lady found herself inspired; transparent astuteness

as it was and sewn; as the phrase is; with white thread。

〃Depend upon it she didn't want to make any provision that would

be agreeable to me。〃



〃No; not to you but to me。  She knew I should like it if you could

carry out your idea。  Not because she cared for you but because

she did think of me;〃 Miss Tita went on with her unexpected;

persuasive volubility。  〃You could see themyou could use them。〃

She stopped; seeing that I perceived the sense of that conditional

stopped long enough for me to give some sign which I did not give。

She must have been conscious; however; that though my face showed

the greatest embarrassment that was ever painted on a human countenance

it was not set as a stone; it was also full of compassion。

It was a comfort to me a long time afterward to consider that she

could not have seen in me the smallest symptom of disrespect。

〃I don't know what to do; I'm too tormented; I'm too ashamed!〃

she continued with vehemence。  Then turning away from me and burying

her face in her hands she burst into a flood of tears。  If she did

not know what to do it may be imagined whether I did any better。

I stood there dumb; watching her while her sobs resounded in the great

empty hall。  In a moment she was facing me again; with her streaming eyes。

〃I would give you everythingand she would understand; where she is

she would forgive me!〃



〃Ah; Miss Titaah; Miss Tita;〃 I stammered; for all reply。

I did not know what to do; as I say; but at a venture I made a wild;

vague movement in consequence of which I found myself at the door。

I remember standing there and saying; 〃It wouldn't doit wouldn't do!〃

pensively; awkwardly; grotesquely; while I looked away to the opposite

end of the sala as if there were a beautiful view there。

The next thing I remember is that I was downstairs and out of the house。

My gondola was there and my gondolier; reclining on the cushions;

sprang up as soon as he saw me。  I jumped in and to his usual

〃Dove commanda?〃 I replied; in a tone that made him stare;

〃Anywhere; anywhere; out into the lagoon!〃



He rowed me away and I sat there prostrate; groaning softly

to myself; with my hat pulled over my face。  What in the name

of the preposterous did she mean if she did not mean to offer me

her hand?  That was the pricethat was the price!  And did she

think I wanted it; poor deluded; infatuated; extravagant lady?

My gondolier; behind me; must have seen my ears red as I wondered;

sitting there under the fluttering tenda; with my

hidden face; noticing nothing as we passedwondered whether

her delusion; her infatuation had been my own reckless work。

Did she think I had made love to her; even to get the papers?

I had not; I had not; I repeated that over to myself for an hour;

for two hours; till I was wearied if not convinced。

I don't know where my gondolier took me; we floated aimlessly

about in the lagoon; with slow; rare strokes。  At last I became

conscious that we were near the Lido; far up; on the right hand;

as you turn your back to Venice; and I made him put me ashore。

I wanted to walk; to move; to shed some of my bewilderment。

I crossed the narrow strip and got to the sea beachI took my

way toward Malamocco。  But presently I flung myself down again

on the warm sand; in the breeze; on the coarse dry grass。

It took it out of me to think I had been so much at fault;

that I had unwittingly but nonetheless deplorably trifled。

But I had not given her causedistinctly I had not。

I had said to Mrs。 Prest that I would make love to her;

but 
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