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if you knew but all。 This riding by night； by the bye； is cursedly tiresome。
It has shook me worse than the basket of a stage…coach。
HASTINGS。 But how？ where did you leave your fellow…travellers？
Are they in safety？ Are they housed？
TONY。 Five and twenty miles in two hours and a half is no such bad
driving。 The poor beasts have smoked for it： rabbit me； but I'd rather ride
forty miles after a fox than ten with such varment。
HASTINGS。 Well； but where have you left the ladies？ I die with
impatience。
TONY。 Left them！ Why where should I leave them but where I
found them？
HASTINGS。 This is a riddle。
TONY。 Riddle me this then。 What's that goes round the house； and
round the house； and never touches the house？
HASTINGS。 I'm still astray。
TONY。 Why； that's it； mon。 I have led them astray。 By jingo；
there's not a pond or a slough within five miles of the place but they can
tell the taste of。
HASTINGS。 Ha！ ha！ ha！ I understand： you took them in a round；
while they supposed themselves going forward； and so you have at last
brought them home again。
TONY。 You shall hear。 I first took them down Feather…bed Lane；
where we stuck fast in the mud。 I then rattled them crack over the stones
of Up…and…down Hill。 I then introduced them to the gibbet on Heavy…tree
Heath； and from that； with a circumbendibus； I fairly lodged them in the
horse…pond at the bottom of the garden。
HASTINGS。 But no accident； I hope？
TONY。 No； no。 Only mother is confoundedly frightened。 She
thinks herself forty miles off。 She's sick of the journey； and the cattle can
scarce crawl。 So if your own horses be ready； you may whip off with
cousin； and I'll be bound that no soul here can budge a foot to follow you。
HASTINGS。 My dear friend； how can I be grateful？
TONY。 Ay； now it's dear friend； noble 'squire。 Just now； it was all
idiot； cub； and run me through the guts。 Damn YOUR way of fighting； I
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say。 After we take a knock in this part of the country； we kiss and be
friends。 But if you had run me through the guts； then I should be dead；
and you might go kiss the hangman。
HASTINGS。 The rebuke is just。 But I must hasten to relieve Miss
Neville： if you keep the old lady employed； I promise to take care of the
young one。 ＇Exit HASTINGS。＇
TONY。 Never fear me。 Here she comes。 Vanish。 She's got from
the pond； and draggled up to the waist like a mermaid。
Enter MRS。 HARDCASTLE。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 Oh； Tony； I'm killed！ Shook！ Battered
to death。 I shall never survive it。 That last jolt； that laid us against the
quickset hedge； has done my business。
TONY。 Alack； mamma； it was all your own fault。 You would be for
running away by night； without knowing one inch of the way。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 I wish we were at home again。 I never met
so many accidents in so short a journey。 Drenched in the mud；
overturned in a ditch； stuck fast in a slough； jolted to a jelly； and at last to
lose our way。 Whereabouts do you think we are； Tony？
TONY。 By my guess we should come upon Crackskull Common；
about forty miles from home。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 O lud！ O lud！ The most notorious spot in
all the country。 We only want a robbery to make a complete night on't。
TONY。 Don't be afraid； mamma； don't be afraid。 Two of the five
that kept here are hanged； and the other three may not find us。 Don't be
afraid。Is that a man that's galloping behind us？ No； it's only a tree。
Don't be afraid。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 The fright will certainly kill me。
TONY。 Do you see anything like a black hat moving behind the
thicket？
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 Oh； death！
TONY。 No； it's only a cow。 Don't be afraid； mamma； don't he
afraid。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 As I'm alive； Tony； I see a man coming
towards us。 Ah！ I'm sure on't。 If he perceives us； we are undone。
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TONY。 （Aside。） Father…in…law； by all that's unlucky； come to take
one of his night walks。 （To her。） Ah； it's a highwayman with pistols as
long as my arm。 A damned ill…looking fellow。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 Good Heaven defend us！ He approaches。
TONY。 Do you hide yourself in that thicket； and leave me to manage
him。 If there be any danger； I'll cough； and cry hem。 When I cough； be
sure to keep close。 （MRS。 HARDCASTLE hides behind a tree in the
back scene。）
Enter HARDCASTLE。
HARDCASTLE。 I'm mistaken； or I heard voices of people in want
of help。 Oh； Tony！ is that you？ I did not expect you so soon back。
Are your mother and her charge in safety？
TONY。 Very safe； sir； at my aunt Pedigree's。 Hem。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 （From behind。） Ah； death！ I find there's
danger。
HARDCASTLE。 Forty miles in three hours； sure that's too much；
my youngster。
TONY。 Stout horses and willing minds make short journeys； as they
say。 Hem。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 （From behind。） Sure he'll do the dear boy
no harm。
HARDCASTLE。 But I heard a voice here； I should be glad to know
from whence it came。
TONY。 It was I； sir； talking to myself； sir。 I was saying that forty
miles in four hours was very good going。 Hem。 As to be sure it was。
Hem。 I have got a sort of cold by being out in the air。 We'll go in； if
you please。 Hem。
HARDCASTLE。 But if you talked to yourself you did not answer
yourself。 I'm certain I heard two voices； and am resolved （raising his
voice） to find the other out。
MRS。 HARDCASTLE。 （From behind。） Oh！ he's coming to find me
out。 Oh！
TONY。 What