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or it served to foster their vices。 To take it from them would； therefore； be
a benefit both to them and to myself； not even an imaginary injury would
be inflicted。 Restitution； if legally compelled to it； would be reluctant and
painful； but if enjoined by Heaven would be voluntary； and the
performance of a seeming duty would carry with it； its own reward。
These reasonings； aided by inclination； were sufficient to determine
me。 I have no doubt but their fallacy would have been detected in the
sequel； and my scheme have been productive of nothing but confusion and
remorse。 From these consequences； however； my fate interposed； as in
the former instance； to save me。
Having formed my resolution； many preliminaries to its execution
were necessary to be settled。 These demanded deliberation and delay；
meanwhile I recollected my promise to Ludlow； and paid him a visit。 I
met a frank and affectionate reception。 It would not be easy to paint the
delight which I experienced in this man's society。 I was at first oppressed
with the sense of my own inferiority in age； knowledge and rank。 Hence
arose numberless reserves and incapacitating diffidences； but these were
speedily dissipated by the fascinations of this man's address。 His
superiority was only rendered； by time； more conspicuous； but this
superiority； by appearing never to be present to his own mind； ceased to be
uneasy to me。 My questions required to be frequently answered； and my
mistakes to be rectified； but my keenest scrutiny； could detect in his
manner； neither arrogance nor contempt。 He seemed to talk merely from
the overflow of his ideas； or a benevolent desire of imparting information。
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
Chapter IV。
My visits gradually became more frequent。 Meanwhile my wants
increased； and the necessity of some change in my condition became daily
more urgent。 This incited my reflections on the scheme which I had
formed。 The time and place suitable to my design； were not selected
without much anxious inquiry and frequent waverings of purpose。 These
being at length fixed； the interval to elapse； before the carrying of my
design into effect； was not without perturbation and suspense。 These
could not be concealed from my new friend and at length prompted him to
inquire into the cause。
It was not possible to communicate the whole truth； but the warmth of
his manner inspired me with some degree of ingenuousness。 I did not hide
from him my former hopes and my present destitute condition。 He
listened to my tale with no expressions of sympathy； and when I had
finished； abruptly inquired whether I had any objection to a voyage to
Europe？ I answered in the negative。 He then said that he was preparing
to depart in a fortnight and advised me to make up my mind to accompany
him。
This unexpected proposal gave me pleasure and surprize； but the want
of money occurred to me as an insuperable objection。 On this being
mentioned； Oho！ said he； carelessly； that objection is easily removed； I
will bear all expenses of your passage myself。
The extraordinary beneficence of this act as well as the air of
uncautiousness attending it； made me doubt the sincerity of his offer； and
when new declarations removed this doubt； I could not forbear expressing
at once my sense of his generosity and of my own unworthiness。
He replied that generosity had been expunged from his catalogue as
having no meaning or a vicious one。 It was the scope of his exertions to
be just。 This was the sum of human duty； and he that fell short； ran
beside； or outstripped justice was a criminal。 What he gave me was my
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MEMOIRS OF CARWIN THE BILOQUIST ＇A fragment＇
due or not my due。 If it were my due； I might reasonably demand it from
him and it was wicked to withhold it。 Merit on one side or gratitude on
the other； were contradictory and unintelligible。
If I were fully convinced that this benefit was not my due and yet
received it； he should hold me in contempt。 The rectitude of my
principles and conduct would be the measure of his approbation； and no
benefit should he ever bestow which the receiver was not entitled to claim；
and which it would not be criminal in him to refuse。
These principles were not new from the mouth of Ludloe； but they had；
hitherto； been regarded as the fruits of a venturous speculation in my mind。
I had never traced them into their practical consequences； and if his
conduct on this occasion had not squared with his maxims； I should not
have imputed to him inconsistency。 I did not ponder on these reasonings
at this time： objects of immediate importance engrossed my thoughts。
One obstacle to this measure was removed。 When my voyage was
performed how should I subsist in my new abode？ I concealed not my
perplexity and he commented on it in his usual manner。 How did I mean
to subsist； he asked； in my own country？ The means of living would be；
at least； as much within my reach there as here。 As to the pressure of
immediate and absolute want； he believed I should be exposed to little
hazard。 With talents such as mine； I must be hunted by a destiny
peculiarly malignant； if I could not provide myself with necessaries
wherever my lot were cast。
He would make allowances； however； for my diffidence and self…
distrust； and would obviate my fears by expressing his own intentions with
regard to me。 I must be apprized； however； of his true meaning。 He
laboured to shun all hurtful and vitious things； and therefore carefully
abstained from making or confiding ~~in promises~~。 It was just to
assist me in this voyage； and it would probably be