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BAR。 As o'er our penny roll we sing；
It is not reprehensive
To think what joys our wealth would bring
Were we disposed to do the thing
Upon a scale extensive。
There's rich mock…turtlethick and clear
RUD。 （confidentially）。 Perhaps we'll have it once a year！
BAR。 （delighted）。 You are an open…handed dear！
RUD。 Though； mind you； it's expensive。
BAR。 No doubt it is expensive。
BOTH。 How fleeting are the glutton's joys！
With fish and fowl he lightly toys；
RUD。 And pays for such expensive tricks
Sometimes as much as two…and…six！
BAR。 As two…and…six？
RUD。 As two…and…six
BOTH。 Sometimes as much as two…and…six！
BAR。 It gives him no advantage； mind
For you and he have only dined；
And you remain when once it's down
A better man by half…a…crown。
RUD。 By half…a…crown？
BAR。 By half…a…crown。
BOTH。 Yes； two…and…six is half…a…crown。
Then let us be modestly merry；
And rejoice with a derry down derry。
For to laugh and to sing
No extravagance bring
It's a joy economical； very！
BAR。 Although as you're of course aware
（I never tried to hide it）
I moisten my insipid fare
With waterwhich I can't abear
RUD。 Nor II can't abide it。
BAR。 This pleasing fact our souls will cheer；
With fifty thousand pounds a year
We could indulge in table beer！
RUD。 Get out！
BAR。 We couldI've tried it！
RUD。 Yes； yes； of course you've tried it！
BOTH。 Oh； he who has an income clear
Of fifty thousand pounds a year
BAR。 Can purchase all his fancy loves
Conspicuous hats
RUD。 Two shilling gloves
BAR。 （doubtfully）。 Two…shilling gloves？
RUD。 （positively）。 Two…shilling gloves
BOTH。 Yes； think of that； two…shilling gloves！
BAR。 Cheap shoes and ties of gaudy hue；
And Waterbury watches； too
And think that he could buy the lot
Were he a donkey
RUD。 Which he's not！
BAR。 Oh no； he's not！
RUD。 Oh no； he's not！
BOTH （dancing）。
That kind of donkey he is not！
Then let us be modestly merry；
And rejoice with a derry down derry。
For to laugh and to sing
Is a rational thing…
It's a joy economical； very！
＇Exit
BARONESS。
RUD。 Oh； now for my detective's report。 （Opens letter。）
What's this！ Another conspiracy！ A conspiracy to depose me！
And my private detective was so convulsed with laughter at the
notion of a conspirator selecting him for a confidant that he was
physically unable to arrest the malefactor！ Why； it'll come
off！ This comes of engaging a detective with a keen sense of the
ridiculous！ For the future I'll employ none but Scotchmen。 And
the plot is to explode to…morrow！ My wedding day！ Oh；
Caroline； Caroline！ （Weeps。） This is perfectly frightful！
What's to be done？ I don't know！ I ought to keep cool and
think； but you can't think when your veins are full of hot
soda…water； and your brain's fizzing like a firework； and all
your faculties are jumbled in a perfect whirlpool of
tumblication！ And I'm going to be ill！ I know I am！ I've been
living too low； and I'm going to be very ill indeed！
SONGRUDOLPH。
When you find you're a broken…down critter；
Who is all of a trimmle and twitter；
With your palate unpleasantly bitter；
As if you'd just eaten a pill
When your legs are as thin as dividers；
And you're plagued with unruly insiders；
And your spine is all creepy with spiders；
And you're highly gamboge in the gill
When you've got a beehive in your head；
And a sewing machine in each ear；
And you feel that you've eaten your bed；
And you've got a bad headache down here
When such facts are about；
And these symptoms you find
In your body or crown
Well； you'd better look out；
You may make up your mind
You had better lie down！
When your lips are all smearylike tallow；
And your tongue is decidedly yallow；
With a pint of warm oil in your swallow；
And a pound of tin…tacks in your chest
When you're down in the mouth with the vapours；
And all over your Morris wall…papers
Black…beetles are cutting their capers；
And crawly things never at rest
When you doubt if your head is your own；
And you jump when an open door slams
Then you've got to a state which is known
To the medical world as 〃jim…jams〃
If such symptoms you find
In your body or head；
They're not easy to quell
You may make up your mind
You are better in bed；
For you're not at all well！
（Sinks exhausted and weeping at foot of well。）
Enter LUDWIG。
LUD。 Now for my confession and full pardon。 They told me
the Grand Duke was dancing duets in the Market…place； but I don't
see him。 （Sees RUDOLPH。） Hallo！ Who's this？ （Aside。） Why； it
is the Grand Duke！
RUD。 （sobbing）。 Who are you； sir； who presume to address
me in person？ If you've anything to communicate； you must fling
yourself at the feet of my Acting Temporary Sub…Deputy Assistant
Vice…Chamberlain； who will fling himself at the feet of his
immediate superior； and so on； with successive foot…flingings
through the various gradesyour communication will； in course of
time； come to my august knowledge。
LUD。 But when I inform your Highness that in me you see
the
most unhappy； the most unfortunate； the most completely miserable
man in your whole dominion
RUD。 （still sobbing）。 You the most miserable man in my
whole dominion？ How can you have the face to stand there and say
such a thing？ Why； look at me！ Look at me！ （Bursts into
tears。）
LUD。 Well； I wouldn't be a cry…baby。
RUD。 A cry…baby？ If you had just been told that you were
going to be deposed to…morrow； and perhaps blown up with dynamite
for all I know； wouldn't you be a cry…baby？ I do declare