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ascertained； he will； ipso facto； boil down to a single
gentlemanthus presenting a unique example of an individual who
becomes a single man and a married man by the same operation。
DUCH。 （severely）。 I have known instances in which the
characteristics of both conditions existed concurrently in the
same individual。
DUKE。 Ah； he couldn't have been a Plaza…Toro。
DUCH。 Oh！ couldn't he； though！
CAS。 Well； whatever happens； I shall； of course； be a
dutiful wife； but I can never love my husband。
DUKE。 I don't know。 It's extraordinary what
unprepossessing people one can love if one gives one's mind to
it。
DUCH。 I loved your father。
DUKE。 My lovethat remark is a little hard； I think？
Rather cruel； perhaps？ Somewhat uncalled…for； I venture to
believe？
DUCH。 It was very difficult； my dear； but I said to myself；
〃That man is a Duke； and I will love him。〃 Several of my
relations bet me I couldn't； but I diddesperately！
SONGDUCHESS。
On the day when I was wedded
To your admirable sire；
I acknowledge that I dreaded
An explosion of his ire。
I was overcome with panic
For his temper was volcanic；
And I didn't dare revolt；
For I feared a thunderbolt！
I was always very wary；
For his fury was ecstatic
His refined vocabulary
Most unpleasantly emphatic。
To the thunder
Of this Tartar
I knocked under
Like a martyr；
When intently
He was fuming；
I was gently
Unassuming
When reviling
Me completely；
I was smiling
Very sweetly：
Giving him the very best； and getting back the very worst
That is how I tried to tame your great progenitorat first！
But I found that a reliance
On my threatening appearance；
And a resolute defiance
Of marital interference；
And a gentle intimation
Of my firm determination
To see what I could do
To be wife and husband too
Was the only thing required
For to make his temper supple；
And you couldn't have desired
A more reciprocating couple。
Ever willing
To be wooing；
We were billing
We were cooing；
When I merely
From him parted；
We were nearly
Broken…hearted
When in sequel
Reunited；
We were equal…
Ly delighted。
So with double…shotted guns and colours nailed unto the mast；
I tamed your insignificant progenitorat last！
CAS。 My only hope is that when my husband sees what a shady
family he has married into he will repudiate the contract
altogether。
DUKE。 Shady？ A nobleman shady； who is blazing in the
lustre of unaccustomed pocket…money？ A nobleman shady； who can
look back upon ninety…five quarterings？ It is not every nobleman
who is ninety…five quarters in arrearI mean； who can look back
upon ninety…five of them！ And this； just as I have been floated
at a premium！ Oh fie！
DUCH。 Your Majesty is surely unaware that directly your
Majesty's father came before the public he was applied for over
and over again。
DUKE。 My dear； Her Majesty's father was in the habit of
being applied for over and over againand very urgently applied
for； toolong before he was registered under the Limited
Liability Act。
RECITATIVEDUKE。
To help unhappy commoners； and add to their enjoyment；
Affords a man of noble rank congenial employment；
Of our attempts we offer you examples illustrative：
The work is light； and； I may add； it's most remunerative。
DUETDUKE and DUCHESS。
DUKE。 Small titles and orders
For Mayors and Recorders
I getand they're highly delighted
DUCH。 They're highly delighted！
DUKE。 M。P。's baronetted；
Sham Colonels gazetted；
And second…rate Aldermen knighted
DUCH。 Yes； Aldermen knighted。
DUKE。 Foundation…stone laying
I find very paying：
It adds a large sum to my makings
DUCH。 Large sums to his makings。
DUKE。 At charity dinners
The best of speech…spinners；
I get ten per cent on the takings
DUCH。 One…tenth of the takings。
DUCH。 I present any lady
Whose conduct is shady
Or smacking of doubtful propriety
DUKE。 Doubtful propriety。
DUCH。 When Virtue would quash her；
I take and whitewash her；
And launch her in first…rate society
DUKE。 First…rate society！
DUCH。 I recommend acres
Of clumsy dressmakers
Their fit and their finishing touches
DUKE。 Their finishing touches。
DUCH。 A sum in addition
They pay for permission
To say that they make for the Duchess
DUKE。 They make for the Duchess！
DUKE。 Those pressing prevailers；
The ready…made tailors；
Quote me as their great double…barrel
DUCH。 Their great double…barrel
DUKE。 I allow them to do so；
Though Robinson Crusoe
Would jib at their wearing apparel
DUCH。 Such wearing apparel！
DUKE。 I sit； by selection；
Upon the direction
Of several Companies bubble
DUCH。 All Companies bubble！
DUKE。 As soon as they're floated
I'm freely bank…noted
I'm pretty well paid for my trouble
DUCH。 He's paid for his trouble！
DUCH。 At middle…class party
I play at ecarte
And I'm by no means a beginner
DUKE （significantly）。 She's not a beginner。