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know what to do with it when he had it。 But there it was for him。 I
have never met a rabbit farmer myself worth two thousand a year； though I
have known many start with the twelve necessary； assorted rabbits。
Something has always gone wrong somewhere； maybe the continued
atmosphere of a rabbit farm saps the judgment。
We told our readers how many bald…headed men there were in Iceland；
and for all we knew our figures may have been correct； how many red
herrings placed tail to mouth it would take to reach from London to Rome；
which must have been useful to anyone desirous of laying down a line of
red herrings from London to Rome； enabling him to order in the right
quantity at the beginning； how many words the average woman spoke in a
day； and other such like items of information calculated to make them
wise and great beyond the readers of other journals。
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We told them how to cure fits in cats。 Personally I do not believe；
and I did not believe then； that you can cure fits in cats。 If I had a cat
subject to fits I should advertise it for sale； or even give it away。 But our
duty was to supply information when asked for。 Some fool wrote；
clamouring to know； and I spent the best part of a morning seeking
knowledge on the subject。 I found what I wanted at length at the end of
an old cookery book。 What it was doing there I have never been able to
understand。 It had nothing to do with the proper subject of the book
whatever； there was no suggestion that you could make anything savoury
out of a cat； even when you had cured it of its fits。 The authoress had
just thrown in this paragraph out of pure generosity。 I can only say that I
wish she had left it out； it was the cause of a deal of angry correspondence
and of the loss of four subscribers to the paper； if not more。 The man
said the result of following our advice had been two pounds worth of
damage to his kitchen crockery； to say nothing of a broken window and
probable blood poisoning to himself； added to which the cat's fits were
worse than before。 And yet it was a simple enough recipe。 You held the
cat between your legs； gently； so as not to hurt it； and with a pair of
scissors made a sharp； clean cut in its tail。 You did not cut off any part of
the tail； you were to be careful not to do that； you only made an incision。
As we explained to the man； the garden or the coal cellar would have
been the proper place for the operation； no one but an idiot would have
attempted to perform it in a kitchen； and without help。
We gave them hints on etiquette。 We told them how to address peers
and bishops； also how to eat soup。 We instructed shy young men how to
acquire easy grace in drawing…rooms。 We taught dancing to both sexes
by the aid of diagrams。 We solved their religious doubts for them； and
supplied them with a code of morals that would have done credit to a
stained…glass window。
The paper was not a financial success； it was some years before its
time； and the consequence was that our staff was limited。 My own
apartment； I remember； included 〃Advice to Mothers〃I wrote that with
the assistance of my landlady； who； having divorced one husband and
buried four children； was； I considered； a reliable authority on all domestic
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matters； 〃Hints on Furnishing and Household Decorationswith Designs〃
a column of 〃Literary Counsel to Beginners〃I sincerely hope my
guidance was of better service to them than it has ever proved to myself；
and our weekly article； 〃Straight Talks to Young Men；〃 signed 〃Uncle
Henry。〃 A kindly； genial old fellow was 〃Uncle Henry；〃 with wide and
varied experience； and a sympathetic attitude towards the rising generation。
He had been through trouble himself in his far back youth； and knew most
things。 Even to this day I read of 〃Uncle Henry's〃 advice； and； though I
say it who should not； it still seems to me good； sound advice。 I often
think that had I followed 〃Uncle Henry's〃 counsel closer I would have
been wiser； made fewer mistakes； felt better satisfied with myself than is
now the case。
A quiet； weary little woman； who lived in a bed…sitting room off the
Tottenham Court Road； and who had a husband in a lunatic asylum； did
our 〃Cooking Column；〃 〃Hints on Education〃we were full of hints；and
a page and a half of 〃Fashionable Intelligence；〃 written in the pertly
personal style which even yet has not altogether disappeared； so I am
informed； from modern journalism： 〃I must tell you about the DIVINE
frock I wore at 'Glorious Goodwood' last week。 Prince C。but there； I
really must not repeat all the things the silly fellow says； he is TOO
foolish… …and the DEAR Countess； I fancy； was just the WEEISH bit
jealous〃 and so on。
Poor little woman！ I see her now in the shabby grey alpaca； with the
inkstains on it。 Perhaps a day at 〃Glorious Goodwood；〃 or anywhere else
in the fresh air； might have put some colour into her cheeks。
Our proprietorone of the most unashamedly ignorant men I ever met…
…I remember his gravely informing a correspondent once that Ben Jonson
had written Rabelais to pay for his mother's funeral； and only laughing
good…naturedly when his mistakes were pointed out to himwrote with the
aid of a cheap encyclopedia the pages devoted to 〃General Information；〃
and did them on the whole remarkably well； while our office boy； with an
excellent pair of scissors for his assistant； was responsible for our supply
of 〃Wit and Humour。〃
It was hard work； and the pay was poor； what sustained us was the
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consciousness that we were instructing and improving our fellow men and
women。 Of all games in the world； the one most u