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notes from the underground-第26章

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〃Why have you come here?〃 I asked her; with a note of authority

already in my voice。



〃Oh; I don't know。〃



〃But how nice it would be to be living in your father's house! 

It's warm and free; you have a home of your own。〃



〃But what if it's worse than this?〃



〃I must take the right tone;〃 flashed through my mind。  〃I may

not get far with sentimentality。〃 But it was only a momentary

thought。  I swear she really did interest me。  Besides; I was

exhausted and moody。  And cunning so easily goes hand…in…hand

with feeling。



〃Who denies it!〃 I hastened to answer。  〃Anything may happen。  I

am convinced that someone has wronged you; and that you are more

sinned against than sinning。  Of course; I know nothing of your

story; but it's not likely a girl like you has come here of her

own inclination。。。 。〃



〃A girl like me?〃 she whispered; hardly audibly; but I heard it。



Damn it all; I was flattering her。  That was horrid。  But perhaps

it was a good thing。。。。 She was silent。



〃See; Liza; I will tell you about myself。  If I had had a home

from childhood; I shouldn't be what I am now。  I often think

that。  However bad it may be at home; anyway they are your father

and mother; and not enemies; strangers。  Once a year at least;

they'll show their love of you。  Anyway; you know you are at

home。  I grew up without a home; and perhaps that's why I've

turned so。。。unfeeling。〃



I waited again。  〃Perhaps she doesn't understand;〃 I thought;

〃and; indeed; it is absurdit's moralising。〃



〃If I were a father and had a daughter; I believe I should love

my daughter more than my sons; really;〃 I began indirectly; as

though talking of something else; to distract her attention。  I

must confess I blushed。



〃Why so?〃 she asked。



Ah!  so she was listening!



〃I don't know; Liza。  I knew a father who was a stern; austere

man; but used to go down on his knees to his daughter; used to

kiss her hands; her feet; he couldn't make enough of her; really。 

When she danced at parties he used to stand for five hours at a

stretch; gazing at her。  He was mad over her: I understand that! 

She would fall asleep tired at night; and he would wake to kiss

her in her sleep and make the sign of the cross over her。  He

would go about in a dirty old coat; he was stingy to everyone

else; but would spend his last penny for her; giving her

expensive presents; and it was his greatest delight when she was

pleased with what he gave her。  Fathers always love their

daughters more than the mothers do。  Some girls live happily at

home!  And I believe I should never let my daughters marry。〃     



〃What next?〃 she said; with a faint smile。



〃I should be jealous; I really should。  To think that she should

kiss anyone else!  That she should love a stranger more than her

father!  It's painful to imagine it。  Of course; that's all

nonsense; of course every father would be reasonable at last。 

But I believe before I should let her marry; I should worry

myself to death; I should find fault with all her suitors。  But I

should end by letting her marry whom she herself loved。  The one

whom the daughter loves always seems the worst to the father; you

know。  That is always so。  So many family troubles come from

that。〃



〃Some are glad to sell their daughters; rather than marrying them

honourably。〃



Ah; so that was it!



〃Such a thing; Liza; happens in those accursed families in which

there is neither love nor God;〃 I retorted warmly; 〃and where

there is no love; there is no sense either。  There are such

families; it's true; but I am not speaking of them。  You must

have seen wickedness in your own family; if you talk like that。 

Truly; you must have been unlucky。  H'm! 。。。that sort of thing

mostly comes about through poverty。〃



〃And is it any better with the gentry?  Even among the poor;

honest people who live happily?〃



〃H'm。。。yes。  Perhaps。  Another thing; Liza; man is fond of

reckoning up his troubles; but does not count his joys。  If he

counted them up as he ought; he would see that every lot has

enough happiness provided for it。  And what if all goes well with

the family; if the blessing of God is upon it; if the husband is

a good one; loves you; cherishes you; never leaves you!  There is

happiness in such a family!  Even sometimes there is happiness in

the midst of sorrow; and indeed sorrow is everywhere。  If you

marry _you will find out for yourself_。  But think of the first

years of married life with one you love: what happiness; what

happiness there sometimes is in it!  And indeed it's the ordinary

thing。  In those early days even quarrels with one's husband end

happily。  Some women get up quarrels with their husbands just

because they love them。  Indeed; I knew a woman like that: she

seemed to say that because she loved him; she would torment him

and make him feel it。  You know that you may torment a man on

purpose through love。  Women are particularly given to that;

thinking to themselves 'I will love him so; I will make so much

of him afterwards; that it's no sin to torment him a little now。'

And all in the house rejoice in the sight of you; and you are

happy and gay and peaceful and honourable。。。。 Then there are some

women who are jealous。  If he went off anywhereI knew one such

woman; she couldn't restrain herself; but would jump up at night

and run off on the sly to find out where he was; whether he was

with some other woman。  That's a pity。  And the woman knows

herself it's wrong; and her heart fails her and she suffers; but

she lovesit's all through love。  And how sweet it is to make up

after quarrels; to own herself in the wrong or to forgive him! 

And they both are so happy all at onceas though they had met

anew; been married over again; as though their love had begun

afresh。  And no one; no one should know what passes between

husband and wife if they love one another。  And whatever quarrels

there may be between them they ought not to call in their own

mother to judge between them and tell tales of one another。  They

are their own judges。  Love is a holy mystery and ought to be

hidden from all other eyes; whatever happens。  That makes it

holier and better。  They respect one another more; and much is

built on respect。  And if once there has been love; if they have

been married for love; why should love pass away?  Surely one can

keep it!  It is rare that one cannot keep it。  And if the husband

is kind and straightforward; why should not love last?  The first

phase of married love will pass; it is true; but then there will

come a love that is better still。  Then there will be the union

of souls; they will have everything in common; there will be no

secrets between them。  And once they have children; the most

difficult times will seem to them happy; so long as there is love

and courage。  Even toil will be a joy; you may deny yourself

bread for your children and even that will be a joy; They 
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