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word 〃romantic〃…an old…fashioned and much respected word which
has done good service and is familiar to all。） The
characteristics of our romantic are to understand everything； _to
see everything and to see it often incomparably more clearly than
our most realistic minds see it_； to refuse to accept anyone or
anything； but at the same time not to despise anything； to give
way； to yield； from policy； never to lose sight of a useful
practical object （such as rent…free quarters at the government
expense； pensions； decorations）； to keep their eye on that object
through all the enthusiasms and volumes of lyrical poems； and at
the same time to preserve 〃the sublime and the beautiful〃
inviolate within them to the hour of their death； and to preserve
themselves also； incidentally； like some precious jewel wrapped
in cotton wool if only for the benefit of 〃the sublime and the
beautiful。〃 Our 〃romantic〃 is a man of great breadth and the
greatest rogue of all our rogues； I assure you。。。。 I can assure
you from experience； indeed。 Of course； that is； if he is
intelligent。 But what am I saying！ The romantic is always
intelligent； and I only meant to observe that although we have
had foolish romantics they don't count； and they were only so
because in the flower of their youth they degenerated into
Germans； and to preserve their precious jewel more comfortably；
settled somewhere out thereby preference in Weimar or the Black
Forest。 I； for instance； genuinely despised my official work and
did not openly abuse it simply because I was in it myself and got
a salary for it。 Anyway； take note； I did not openly abuse it。
Our romantic would rather go out of his minda thing； however；
which very rarely happensthan take to open abuse； unless he had
some other career in view； and he is never kicked out。 At most；
they would take him to the lunatic asylum as 〃the King of Spain〃
if he should go very mad。 But it is only the thin； fair people
who go out of their minds in Russia。 Innumerable 〃romantics〃
attain later in life to considerable rank in the service。 Their
many…sidedness is remarkable！ And what a faculty they have for
the most contradictory sensations！ I was comforted by this
thought even in those days； and I am of the same opinion now。
That is why there are so many 〃broad natures〃 among us who never
lose their ideal even in the depths of degradation； and though
they never stir a finger for their ideal； though they are arrant
thieves and knaves； yet they tearfully cherish their first ideal
and are extraordinarily honest at heart。 Yes； it is only among
us that the most incorrigible rogue can be absolutely and loftily
honest at heart without in the least ceasing to be a rogue。 I
repeat； our romantics； frequently； become such accomplished
rascals （I use the term 〃rascals〃 affectionately）； suddenly
display such a sense of reality and practical knowledge that
their bewildered superiors and the public generally can only
ejaculate in amazement。
Their many…sidedness is really amazing； and goodness knows what
it may develop into later on； and what the future has in store
for us。 It is not a poor material！ I do not say this from any
foolish or boastful patriotism。 But I feel sure that you are
again imagining that I am joking。 Or perhaps it's just the
contrary and you are convinced that I really think so。 Anyway；
gentlemen； I shall welcome both views as an honour and a special
favour。 And do forgive my digression。
I did not； of course； maintain friendly relations with my
comrades and soon was at loggerheads with them； and in my youth
and inexperience I even gave up bowing to them； as though I had
cut off all relations。 That； however； only happened to me once。
As a rule； I was always alone。
In the first place I spent most of my time at home； reading。 I
tried to stifle all that was continually seething within me by
means of external impressions。 And the only external means I had
was reading。 Reading； of course； was a great helpexciting me；
giving me pleasure and pain。 But at times it bored me fearfully。
One longed for movement in spite of everything； and I plunged all
at once into dark； underground； loathsome vice of the pettiest
kind。 My wretched passions were acute； smarting； from my
continual； sickly irritability I had hysterical impulses； with
tears and convulsions。 I had no resource except reading； that
is； there was nothing in my surroundings which I could respect
and which attracted me。 I was overwhelmed with depression； too； I
had an hysterical craving for incongruity and for contrast； and
so I took to vice。 I have not said all this to justify
myself。。。。 But； no！ I am lying。 I did want to justify myself。
I make that little observation for my own benefit； gentlemen。 I
don't want to lie。 I vowed to myself I would not。
And so； furtively； timidly； in solitude； at night； I indulged in
filthy vice； with a feeling of shame which never deserted me；
even at the most loathsome moments； and which at such moments
nearly made me curse。 Already even then I had my underground
world in my soul。 I was fearfully afraid of being seen； of being
met； of being recognised。 I visited various obscure haunts。
One night as I was passing a tavern I saw through a lighted
window some gentlemen fighting with billiard cues； and saw one of
them thrown out of the window。 At other times I should have felt
very much disgusted； but I was in such a mood at the time； that I
actually envied the gentleman thrown out of the windowand I
envied him so much that I even went into the tavern and into the
billiard…room。 〃Perhaps；〃 I thought； 〃I'll have a fight； too；
and they'll throw me out of the window。〃
I was not drunkbut what is one to dodepression will drive a
man to such a pitch of hysteria！ But nothing happened。 It
seemed that I was not even equal to being thrown out of the
window and I went away without having my fight。
An officer put me in my place from the first moment。
I was standing by the billiard…table and in my ignorance blocking
up the way； and he wanted to pass； he took me by the shoulders
and without a wordwithout a warning or explanationmoved me
from where I was standing to another spot and passed by as though
he had not noticed me。 I could have forgiven blows； but I could
not forgive his having moved me without noticing me。
Devil knows what I would have given for a real regular quarrela
more decent； a more _literary_ one； so to speak。 I had been
treated like a fly。 This officer was over six foot； while I was
a spindly little fellow。 But the quarrel was in my hands。 I had
only to protest and I certainly would have been thrown out of the
window。 But I changed my mind and preferred to beat a resentful
retreat。
I went out of the tavern straight home； confused and troubled；
and the next night I went out again with the same lewd
intentions； still more furtively； abje