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i say no-第17章

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〃Yes。〃

〃She was my equal by birth (I am a younger son of a country squire); and my superior in rank。 I can honestly tell you that I was fool enough to love her with all my heart and soul。 She never allowed me to doubtI may say this without conceit; remembering the miserable end of itthat my feeling for her was returned。 Her father and mother (excellent people) approved of the contemplated marriage。 She accepted my presents; she allowed all the customary preparations for a wedding to proceed to completion; she had not even mercy en ough; or shame enough; to prevent me from publicly degrading myself by waiting for her at the altar; in the presence of a large congregation。 The minutes passedand no bride appeared。 The clergyman; waiting like me; was requested to return to the vestry。 I was invited to follow him。 You foresee the end of the story; of course? She had run away with another man。 But can you guess who the man was? Her groom!〃

Emily's face reddened with indignation。 〃She suffered for it? Oh; Mr。 Morris; surely she suffered for it?〃

〃Not at all。 She had money enough to reward the groom for marrying her; and she let herself down easily to her husband's level。 It was a suitable marriage in every respect。 When I last heard of them; they were regularly in the habit of getting drunk together。 I am afraid I have disgusted you? We will drop the subject; and resume my precious autobiography at a later date。 One showery day in the autumn of last year; you young ladies went out with Miss Ladd for a walk。 When you were all trotting back again; under your umbrellas; did you (in particular) notice an ill…tempered fellow standing in the road; and getting a good look at you; on the high footpath above him?〃

Emily smiled; in spite of herself。 〃I don't remember it;〃 she said。

〃You wore a brown jacket which fitted you as if you had been born in itand you had the smartest little straw hat I ever saw on a woman's head。 It was the first time I ever noticed such things。 I think I could paint a portrait of the boots you wore (mud included); from memory alone。 That was the impression you produced on me。 After believing; honestly believing; that love was one of the lost illusions of my lifeafter feeling; honestly feeling; that I would as soon look at the devil as look at a womanthere was the state of mind to which retribution had reduced me; using for his instrument Miss Emily Brown。 Oh; don't be afraid of what I may say next! In your presence; and out of your presence; I am man enough to be ashamed of my own folly。 I am resisting your influence over me at this moment; with the strongest of all resolutionsthe resolution of despair。 Let's look at the humorous side of the story again。 What do you think I did when the regiment of young ladies had passed by me?〃

Emily declined to guess。

〃I followed you back to the school; and; on pretense of having a daughter to educate; I got one of Miss Ladd's prospectuses from the porter at the lodge gate。 I was in your neighborhood; you must know; on a sketching tour。 I went back to my inn; and seriously considered what had happened to me。 The result of my cogitations was that I went abroad。 Only for a changenot at all because I was trying to weaken the impression you had produced on me! After a while I returned to England。 Only because I was tired of travelingnot at all because your influence drew me back! Another interval passed; and luck turned my way; for a wonder。 The drawing…master's place became vacant here。 Miss Ladd advertised; I produced my testimonials; and took the situation。 Only because the salary was a welcome certainty to a poor mannot at all because the new position brought me into personal association with Miss Emily Brown! Do you begin to see why I have troubled you with all this talk about myself? Apply the contemptible system of self…delusion which my confession has revealed; to that holiday arrangement for a tour in the north which has astonished and annoyed you。 I am going to travel this afternoon by your train。 Only because I feel an intelligent longing to see the northernmost county of Englandnot at all because I won't let you trust yourself alone with Mrs。 Rook! Not at all because I won't leave you to enter Sir Jervis Redwood's service without a friend within reach in case you want him! Mad? Oh; yesperfectly mad。 But; tell me this: What do all sensible people do when they find themselves in the company of a lunatic? They humor him。 Let me take your ticket and see your luggage labeled: I only ask leave to be your traveling servant。 If you are proudI shall like you all the better; if you arepay me wages; and keep me in my proper place in that way。

Some girls; addressed with this reckless intermingling of jest and earnest; would have felt confused; and some would have felt flattered。 With a good…tempered resolution; which never passed the limits of modesty and refinement; Emily met Alban Morris on his own ground。

〃You have said you respect me;〃 she began; 〃I am going to prove that I believe you。 The least I can do is not to misinterpret you; on my side。 Am I to understand; Mr。 Morrisyou won't think the worse of me; I hope; if I speak plainlyam I to understand that you are in love with me?〃

〃Yes; Miss Emilyif you please。〃

He had answered with the quaint gravity which was peculiar to him; but he was already conscious of a sense of discouragement。 Her composure was a bad signfrom his point of view。

〃My time will come; I daresay;〃 she proceeded。 〃At present I know nothing of love; by experience; I only know what some of my schoolfellows talk about in secret。 Judging by what they tell me; a girl blushes when her lover pleads with her to favor his addresses。 Am I blushing?〃

〃Must I speak plainly; too?〃 Alban asked。

〃If you have no objection;〃 she answered; as composedly as if she had been addressing her grandfather。

〃Then; Miss Emily; I must sayyou are not blushing。〃

She went on。 〃Another token of loveas I am informedis to tremble。 Am I trembling?〃

〃No。〃

〃Am I too confused to look at you?〃

〃No。〃

〃Do I walk away with dignityand then stop; and steal a timid glance at my lover; over my shoulder?〃

〃I wish you did!〃

〃A plain answer; Mr。 Morris! Yes or No。〃

〃Noof course。〃

〃In one last word; do I give you any sort of encouragement to try again?〃

〃In one last word; I have made a fool of myselfand you have taken the kindest possible way of telling me so。〃

This time; she made no attempt to reply in his own tone。 The good…humored gayety of her manner disappeared。 She was in earnesttruly; sadly in earnestwhen she said her next words。

〃Is it not best; in your own interests; that we should bid each other good…by?〃 she asked。 〃In the time to comewhen you only remember how kind you once were to mewe may look forward to meeting again。 After all that you have suffered; so bitterly and so undeservedly; don't; pray don't; make me feel that another woman has behaved cruelly to you; and that Iso grieved to distress youam that heartless creature!〃

Never in her life had she been so irresistibly charming as she was at that moment。 Her sweet nature showed all its innocent pity for him in her face。

He saw ithe felt ithe was not unworthy of
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