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Comte de G。 was at London。 He is one of those men who give just enough importance to making love to women like me for it to be an agreeable pastime； and who are thus able to remain friends with women； not hating them because they have never been jealous of them； and he is； too； one of those grand seigneurs who open only a part of their hearts to us； but the whole of their purses。 It was of him that I immediately thought。 I joined him in London。 He received me as kindly as possible； but he was the lover there of a woman in society； and he feared to compromise himself if he were seen with me。 He introduced me to his friends； who gave a supper in my honour； after which one of them took me home with him。
What else was there for me to do； my friend？ If I had killed myself it would have burdened your life； which ought to be happy； with a needless remorse； and then； what is the good of killing oneself when one is so near dying already？
I became a body without a soul； a thing without a thought； I lived for some time in that automatic way； then I returned to Paris； and asked after you； I heard then that you were gone on a long voyage。 There was nothing left to hold me to life。 My existence became what it had been two years before I knew you。 I tried to win back the duke； but I had offended him too deeply。 Old men are not patient； no doubt because they realize that they are not eternal。 I got weaker every day。 I was pale and sad and thinner than ever。 Men who buy love examine the goods before taking them。 At Paris there were women in better health； and not so thin as I was； I was rather forgotten。 That is all the past up to yesterday。
Now I am seriously ill。 I have written to the duke to ask him for money； for I have none； and the creditors have returned； and come to me with their bills with pitiless perseverance。 Will the duke answer？ Why are you not in Paris； Armand？ You would come and see me； and your visits would do me good。
December 20。
The weather is horrible； it is snowing； and I am alone。 I have been in such a fever for the last three days that I could not write you a word。 No news； my friend； every day I hope vaguely for a letter from you； but it does not come； and no doubt it will never come。 Only men are strong enough not to forgive。 The duke has not answered。
Prudence is pawning my things again。
I have been spitting blood all the time。 Oh； you would be sorry for me if you could see me。 You are indeed happy to be under a warm sky； and not； like me； with a whole winter of ice on your chest。 To…day I got up for a little while； and looked out through the curtains of my window； and watched the life of Paris passing below； the life with which I have now nothing more to do。 I saw the faces of some people I knew； passing rapidly； joyous and careless。 Not one lifted his eyes to my window。 However； a few young men have come to inquire for me。 Once before I was ill； and you； though you did not know me； though you had had nothing from me but an impertinence the day I met you first； you came to inquire after me every day。 We spent six months together。 I had all the love for you that a woman's heart can hold and give； and you are far away； you are cursing me； and there is not a word of consolation from you。 But it is only chance that has made you leave me； I am sure； for if you were at Paris； you would not leave my bedside。
December 25。
My doctor tells me I must not write every day。 And indeed my memories only increase my fever； but yesterday I received a letter which did me good； more because of what it said than by the material help which it contained。 I can write to you； then； to…day。 This letter is from your father； and this is what it says：
〃MADAME： I have just learned that you are ill。 If I were at Paris I would come and ask after you myself； if my son were here I would send him； but I can not leave C。； and Armand is six or seven hundred leagues from here； permit me； then； simply to write to you； madame； to tell you how pained I am to hear of your illness； and believe in my sincere wishes for your speedy recovery。
One of my good friends； M。 H。； will call on you； will you kindly receive him？ I have intrusted him with a commission； the result of which I await impatiently。 〃Believe me； madame；
〃Yours most faithfully。〃
This is the letter he sent me。 Your father has a noble heart； love him well； my friend； for there are few men so worthy of being loved。 This paper signed by his name has done me more good than all the prescriptions of our great doctor。
This morning M。 H。 called。 He seemed much embarrassed by the delicate mission which M。 Duval had intrusted to him。 As a matter of fact； he came to bring me three thousand francs from your father。 I wanted to refuse at first； but M。 H。 told me that my refusal would annoy M。 Duval； who had authorized him to give me this sum now； and later on whatever I might need。 I accepted it； for； coming from your father； it could not be exactly taking alms。 If I am dead when you come back； show your father what I have written for him； and tell him that in writing these lines the poor woman to whom he was kind enough to write so consoling a letter wept tears of gratitude and prayed God for him。
January 4。
I have passed some terrible days。 I never knew the body could suffer so。 Oh； my past life！ I pay double for it now。
There has been some one to watch by me every night； I can not breathe。 What remains of my poor existence is shared between being delirious and coughing。
The dining…room is full of sweets and all sorts of presents that my friends have brought。 Some of them； I dare say； are hoping that I shall be their mistress later on。 If they could see what sickness has made of me； they would go away in terror。
Prudence is giving her New Year's presents with those I have received。
There is a thaw； and the doctor says that I may go out in a few days if the fine weather continues。
January 8。
I went out yesterday in my carriage。 The weather was lovely。 The Champs…Elysees was full of people。 It was like the first smile of spring。 Everything about me had a festal air。 I never knew before that a ray of sunshine could contain so much joy； sweetness； and consolation。
I met almost all the people I knew； all happy； all absorbed in their pleasures。 How many happy people don't even know that they are happy！ Olympe passed me in an elegant carriage that M。 de N。 has given her。 She tried to insult me by her look。 She little knows how far I am from such things now。 A nice fellow； whom I have known for a long time； asked me if I would have supper with him and one of his friends； who； he said； was very anxious to make my acquaintance。 I smiled sadly and gave him my hand； burning with fever。 I never saw such an astonished countenance。
I came in at four； and had quite an appetite for my dinner。 Going out has done me good。 If I were only going to get well！ How the sight of the life and happiness of others gives a desire of life to those who； only the night before； in the solitude of their soul and in the shadow of their sick…room； only wanted to die soon！
January 10。
The hope of getting better was only a dream。 I am back in bed again； covered with pl