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y； and leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it。 Oh！ many a pull hath my heart had with Satan； for that blessed sixth of John： I did not now； as at other times； look principally for comfort （though； O how welcome would it have been unto me！）。 But now a word； a word to lean a weary soul upon； that it might not sink for ever！ 'twas that I hunted for。
251。 Yea； often when I have been making to the promise； I have seen as if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever； I was often as if I had run upon the pikes； and as if the Lord had thrust at me； to keep me from Him； as with a flaming sword。 Then I should think of ESTHER； who went to petition the king contrary to the law。 Esther iv。 16。 I thought also of Benhadad's servants； who went with ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy。 1 Kings xx。 31； etc。 The woman of Canaan also； that would not be daunted； though called dog by Christ； Matt。 xv。； 22； etc。； and the man that went to borrow bread at midnight； Luke xi。 5…8； etc。； were great encouragements unto me。
252。 I never saw those heights and depths in grace； and love； and mercy； as I saw after this temptation； great sins to draw out great grace； and where guilt is most terrible and fierce； there the mercy of God in Christ； when showed to the soul； appears most high and mighty。 When JOB had passed through his captivity； HE HAD TWICE AS MUCH AS HE HAD BEFORE。 Job xlii。 10。 Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord。 Many other things I might here make observation of； but I would be brief； and therefore shall at this time omit them； and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend； lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did。
I had two or three times； at or about my deliverance from this temptation； such strange apprehensions of the grace of God； that I could hardly bear up under it： it was so out of measure amazing； when I thought it could reach me； that I do think if that sense of it had abode long upon me； it would have made me incapable for business。
253。 Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the Lord's dealings with me at sundry other seasons； and of the temptations I then did meet withal。 I shall begin with what I met with when first I did join in fellowship with the people of God in BEDFORD。 After I had propounded to the church； that my desire was to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them； and was also admitted by them： while I thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ； which was His last supper with His disciples before His death； that scripture； DO THIS IN REMEMBRANCE OF ME； Luke xxii。 19； was made a very precious word unto me； for by it the Lord did come down upon my conscience with the discovery of His death for my sins； and as I then felt； did as if He plunged me in the virtue of the same。 But behold； I had not been long a partaker at that ordinance； but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all times therein； both to blaspheme the ordinance； and to wish some deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof： that lest I should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts； I was forced to bend myself all the while； to pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies： and also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup to them； as it went from mouth to mouth。 The reason of this temptation； I have thought since； was； because I did not with that reverence that became me at first； approach to partake thereof。
254。 Thus I continued for three quarters of a year； and could never have rest nor ease： but at the last the Lord came in upon my soul with that same scripture； by which my soul was visited before： and after that； I have been usually very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed ordinance； and have； I trust； therein discerned the Lord's body； as broken for my sins； and that His precious blood hath been shed for my transgressions。
255。 Upon a time I was something inclining to a consumption； wherewith about the spring I was suddenly and violently seized； with much weakness in my outward man； insomuch that I thought I could not live。 Now began I afresh to give myself up to a serious examination after my state and condition for the future； and of my evidences for that blessed world to come： for it hath； I bless the name of God； been my usual course； as always； so especially in the day of affliction； to endeavour to keep my interest in the life to come； clear before mine eyes。
256。 But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former experience of the goodness of God to my soul； but there came flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and transgressions； amongst which these were at this time most to my affliction； namely； my deadness； dulness； and coldness in holy duties； my wanderings of heart； of my wearisomeness in all good things； my want of love to God； His ways and people； with this at the end of all； ARE THESE THE FRUITS OF CHRISTIANITY？ ARE THESE TOKENS OF A BLESSED MAN？
257。 At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled upon me； for now I was sick in my inward man； my soul was clogged with guilt； now also was my former experience of God's goodness to me； quite taken out of my mind； and hid as if they had never been； or seen： now was my soul greatly pinched between these two considerations； LIVE I MUST NOT； DIE I DARE NOT。 Now I sunk and fell in my spirit； and was giving up all for lost； but as I was walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state； that word of God took hold of my heart； YE ARE JUSTIFIED FREELY BY HIS GRACE； THROUGH THE REDEMPTION THAT IS IN CHRIST JESUS。 Rom。 iii。 24。 But oh！ what a turn it made upon me！
258。 Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and dream； and listening to this heavenly sentence； I was as if I had heard it thus expounded to me： SINNER； THOU THINKEST； THAT BECAUSE THY SINS AND INFIRMITIES； I CANNOT SAVE THY SOUL； BUT BEHOLD MY SON IS BY ME； AND UPON HIM I LOOK； AND NOT ON THEE； AND SHALL DEAL WITH THEE ACCORDING AS I AM PLEASED WITH HIM。 At this I was greatly lightened in my mind； and made to understand； that God could justify a sinner at any time； it was but His looking upon Christ； and imputing His benefits to us； and the work was forthwith done。
259。 And as I was thus in a muse； that scripture also came with great power upon my spirit； NOT BY WORKS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS THAT WE HAVE DONE； BUT ACCORDING TO HIS MERCY HE HATH SAVED US； ETC。 2 Tim。 i。 9； Tit。 iii。 5。 Now was I got on high； I saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy； and though I was before afraid to think of a dying hour； yet； now I cried； LET ME DIE： Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight； for I saw WE SHALL NEVER LIVE INDEED； TILL WE BE GONE TO THE OTHER WORLD。 Oh！ methought this life is but a slumber； in comparison with that above。 At this time also I saw more in these words； HEIRS OF GOD； Rom。 viii。 17； than ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world： HEIRS OF GOD！ God Himself is the portion of the saints。 This I saw and wondered at；