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preparation。
At length； the punch was ready； and the Dorpat student； with much
bespattering of the table as he did so； ladled the liquor into
tumblers； and cried： 〃Now； gentlemen； please！〃 When we had each
of us taken a sticky tumbler of the stuff into our hands； the
Dorpat student and Frost sang a German song in which the word
〃Hoch！〃 kept occurring again and again； while we joined； in
haphazard fashion； in the chorus。 Next we clinked glasses
together； shouted something in praise of punch； crossed hands；
and took our first drink of the sweet； strong mixture。 After that
there was no further waiting； the 〃wine〃 was in full swing。 The
first glassful consumed； a second was poured out。 Yet； for all
that I began to feel a throbbing in my temples； and that the
flames seemed to be turning purple； and that every one around me
was laughing and shouting； things seemed lacking in real gaiety；
and I somehow felt that； as a matter of fact； we were all of us
finding the affair rather dull； and only PRETENDING to be
enjoying it。 The Dorpat student may have been an exception； for
he continued to grow more and more red in the face and more and
more ubiquitous as he filled up empty glasses and stained the
table with fresh spots of the sweet； sticky stuff。 The precise
sequence of events I cannot remember； but I can recall feeling
strongly attracted towards Frost and the Dorpat student that
evening； learning their German song by heart； and kissing them
each on their sticky…sweet lips； also that that same evening I
conceived a violent hatred against the Dorpat student； and was
for pushing him from his chair； but thought better of it； also
that； besides feeling the same spirit of independence towards the
rest of the company as I had felt on the night of the
matriculation dinner； my head ached and swam so badly that I
thought each moment would be my last； also that； for some reason
or another； we all of us sat down on the floor and imitated the
movements of rowers in a boat as we sang in chorus； 〃Down our
mother stream the Volga；〃 also that I conceived this procedure on
our part to be uncalled for； also that； as I lay prone upon the
floor； I crossed my legs and began wriggling about like a
tsigane； ＇Gipsy dancer。＇ also that I ricked some one's neck； and
came to the； conclusion that I should never have done such a
thing if I had not been drunk； also that we had some supper and
another kind of liquor； and that I then went to the door to get
some fresh air； also that my head seemed suddenly to grow chill；
and that I noticed； as I drove away； that the scat of the vehicle
was so sharply aslant and slippery that for me to retain my
position behind Kuzma was impossible； also that he seemed to have
turned all flabby； and to be waving about like a dish clout。 But
what I remember best is that throughout the whole of that evening
I never ceased to feel that I was acting with excessive stupidity
in pretending to be enjoying myself； to like drinking a great
deal； and to be in no way drunk； as well as that every one else
present was acting with equal stupidity in pretending those same
things。 All the time I had a feeling that each one of my
companions was finding the festivities as distasteful as I was
myself； but； in the belief that he was the only one doing so；
felt himself bound to pretend that he was very merry； in order
not to mar the general hilarity。 Also； strange to state； I felt
that I ought to keep up this pretence for the sole reason that
into a punch…bowl there had been poured three bottles of
champagne at nine roubles the bottle and ten bottles of rum at
fourmaking seventy roubles in all； exclusive of the supper。 So
convinced of my folly did I feel that； when； at next day's
lecture； those of my comrades who had been at Baron Z。's party
seemed not only in no way ashamed to remember what they had done；
but even talked about it so that other students might hear of
their doings； I felt greatly astonished。 They all declared that
it had been a splendid 〃wine；〃 that Dorpat students were just the
fellows for that kind of thing； and that there had been consumed
at it no less than forty bottles of rum among twenty guests； some
of whom had dropped senseless under the table！ That they should
care to talk about such things seemed strange enough； but that
they should care to lie about them seemed absolutely
unintelligible。
XL
MY FRIENDSHIP WITH THE NECHLUDOFFS
That winter； too； I saw a great deal both of Dimitri who often
looked us up； and of his family； with whom I was beginning to
stand on intimate terms。
The Nechludoffs （that is to say； mother； aunt； and daughter）
always spent their evenings at home； at which time the Princess
liked young men to visit herat all events young men of the kind
whom she described as able to spend an evening without playing
cards or dancing。 Yet such young fellows must have been few and
far between； for； although I went to the Nechludoffs almost every
evening； I seldom found other guests present。 Thus； I came to know
the members of this family and their several dispositions well
enough to be able to form clear ideas as to their mutual
relations； and to be quite at home amid the rooms and furniture
of their house。 Indeed； so long as no other guests were present；
I felt entirely at my ease。 True； at first I used to feel a
little uncomfortable when left alone in the room with Varenika；
for I could not rid myself of the idea that； though far from
pretty； she wished me to fall in love with her； but in time this
nervousness of mine began to lessen； since she always looked so
natural； and talked to me so exactly as though she were
conversing with her brother or Lubov Sergievna； that I came to
look upon her simply as a person to whom it was in no way
dangerous or wrong to show that I took pleasure in her company。
Throughout the whole of our acquaintance she appeared to me
merely a plain； though not positively ugly； girl； concerning whom
one would never ask oneself the question；
〃Am I； or am I not； in love with her？〃 Sometimes I would talk to
her direct； but more often I did so through Dimitri or Lubov
Sergievna； and it was the latter method which afforded me the
most pleasure。 I derived considerable gratification from
discoursing when she was there； from hearing her sing； and； in
general； from knowing that she was in the same room as myself；
but it was seldom now that any thoughts of what our future
relations might ever be； or that any dreams of self…sacrifice for
my friend if he should ever fall in love with my sister； came
into my head。 If any such ideas or fancies occurred to me； I felt
satisfied with the present； and drove away all thoughts about the
future。
Yet； in spite of this intimacy； I continued to look upon it as my
bounden duty to keep the Nechludoffs in general； and Varenika in
particular； in ignorance of my true feelings and tastes； and
strove always to appear altoge