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〃Oh； but I can manage it；〃 I said as I lifted it up。 I verily
believe that if the lumber…room had been a couple of versts away；
and the frame twice as heavy as it was； I should have been the
more pleased。 I felt as though I wanted to tire myself out in
performing this service for Nicola。 When I returned to the room
the bricks and screws had been replaced on the windowsill； and
Nicola was sweeping the debris； as well as a few torpid flies；
out of the open window。 The fresh； fragrant air was rushing into
and filling all the room； while with it came also the dull murmur
of the city and the twittering of sparrows in the garden。
Everything was in brilliant light； the room looked cheerful； and
a gentle spring breeze was stirring Nicola's hair and the leaves
of my 〃Algebra。〃 Approaching the window； I sat down upon the
sill； turned my eyes downwards towards the garden； and fell into
a brown study。
Something new to me； something extraordinarily potent and
unfamiliar； had suddenly invaded my soul。 The wet ground on
which； here and there； a few yellowish stalks and blades of
bright…green grass were to be seen； the little rivulets
glittering in the sunshine； and sweeping clods of earth and tiny
chips of wood along with them； the reddish twigs of the lilac；
with their swelling buds； which nodded just beneath the window；
the fussy twitterings of birds as they fluttered in the bush
below； the blackened fence shining wet from the snow which had
lately melted off it； and； most of all； the raw； odorous air and
radiant sunlightall spoke to me； clearly and unmistakably； of
something new and beautiful； of something which； though I cannot
repeat it here as it was then expressed to me； I will try to
reproduce so far as I understood it。 Everything spoke to me of
beauty； happiness； and virtueas three things which were both
easy and possible for meand said that no one of them could
exist without the other two； since beauty； happiness； and virtue
were one。 〃How did I never come to understand that before？〃 I
cried to myself。 〃How did I ever manage to be so wicked？ Oh； but
how good； how happy； I could benay； I WILL bein the future！
At once； at onceyes； this very minuteI will become another
being； and begin to live differently！〃 For all that； I continued
sitting on the window…sill； continued merely dreaming； and doing
nothing。 Have you ever； on a summer's day； gone to bed in dull；
rainy weather； and； waking just at sunset； opened your eyes and
seen through the square space of the windowthe space where the
linen blind is blowing up and down； and beating its rod upon the
window…sillthe rain…soaked； shadowy； purple vista of an avenue
of lime…trees； with a damp garden path lit up by the clear；
slanting beams of the sun； and then suddenly heard the joyous
sounds of bird life in the garden； and seen insects flying to and
fro at the open window； and glittering in the sunlight； and smelt
the fragrance of the rain…washed air； and thought to yourself；
〃Am I not ashamed to be lying in bed on such an evening as this？〃
and； leaping joyously to your feet； gone out into the garden and
revelled in all that welter of life？ If you have； then you can
imagine for yourself the overpowering sensation which was then
possessing me。
III
DREAMS
〃To…day I will make my confession and purge myself of every sin；〃
I thought to myself。 〃Nor will I ever commit another one。〃 At
this point I recalled all the peccadilloes which most troubled my
conscience。 〃I will go to church regularly every Sunday； as well
as read the Gospel at the close of every hour throughout the day。
What is more； I will set aside； out of the cheque which I shall
receive each month after I have gone to the University； two…and…
a…half roubles〃 （a tenth of my monthly allowance） 〃for people who
are poor but not exactly beggars； yet without letting any one
know anything about it。 Yes； I will begin to look out for people
like thatorphans or old womenat once； yet never tell a soul
what I am doing for them。
〃Also； I will have a room here of my very own （St。 Jerome's；
probably）； and look after it myself； and keep it perfectly clean。
I will never let any one do anything for me； for every one is
just a human being like myself。 Likewise I will walk every day；
not drive； to the University。 Even if some one gives me a drozhki
＇Russian phaeton。＇ I will sell it； and devote the money to the
poor。 Everything I will do exactly and always〃 （what that
〃always〃 meant I could not possibly have said； but at least I had
a vivid consciousness of its connoting some kind of prudent；
moral； and irreproachable life）。 〃I will get up all my lectures
thoroughly； and go over all the subjects beforehand； so that at
the end of my first course I may come out top and write a thesis。
During my second course also I will get up everything beforehand；
so that I may soon be transferred to the third course； and at
eighteen come out top in the examinations； and receive two gold
medals； and go on to be Master of Arts； and Doctor； and the first
scholar in Europe。 Yes； in all Europe I mean to be the first
scholar。Well； what next？〃 I asked myself at this point。
Suddenly it struck me that dreams of this sort were a form of
pridea sin which I should have to confess to the priest that
very evening； so I returned to the original thread of my
meditations。 〃When getting up my lectures I will go to the
Vorobievi Gori； ＇Sparrow Hillsa public park near Moscow。＇ and
choose some spot under a tree； and read my lectures over there。
Sometimes I will take with me something to eatcheese or a pie
from Pedotti's； or something of the kind。 After that I will sleep
a little； and then read some good book or other； or else draw
pictures or play on some instrument （certainly I must learn to
play the flute）。 Perhaps SHE too will be walking on the Vorobievi
Gori； and will approach me one day and say； 'Who are you？' and I
shall look at her； oh； so sadly； and say that I am the son of a
priest； and that I am happy only when I am there alone； quite
alone。 Then she will give me her hand； and say something to me；
and sit down beside me。 So every day we shall go to the same
spot； and be friends together； and I shall kiss her。 But no！ That
would not be right！ On the contrary； from this day forward I
never mean to look at a woman again。 Never； never again do I mean
to walk with a girl； nor even to go near one if I can help it。
Yet； of course； in three years' time； when I have come of age； I
shall marry。 Also； I mean to take as much exercise as ever I can；
and to do gymnastics every day； so that； when I have turned
twenty…five； I shall be stronger even than Rappo。 On my first
day's training I mean to hold out half a pood ＇The Pood = 40
Russian pounds。＇ at arm's length for five minutes； and the next
day twenty…one pounds； and the third day twenty…two pounds； and
so on； until at last I can hold out four poods in each hand； and
be stronger even than