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uncalled…for slur； an inexcusable imputation； he was inclined to rage and
plan violence。 Sometimes he conceived retribution in the form of libel
suits with heavy damages。 Sometimes he wrote blasting answers； which
Mrs。 Clemens would not let him print。
At one time he planned a biography of a certain editor who seemed to be
making a deliberate personal campaign against his happiness。 Clemens had
heard that offending items were being printed in this man's paper；
friends； reporting with customary exaggeration； declared that these
sneers and brutalities appeared almost daily； so often as to cause
general remark。
This was enough。 He promptly began to collect datadamaging data
relating to that editor's past history。 He even set a man to work in
England collecting information concerning his victim。 One of his
notebooks contains the memoranda； a few items will show how terrific was
to be the onslaught。
When the naturalist finds a new kind of animal； he writes him up in
the interest of science。 No matter if it is an unpleasant animal。
This is a new kind of animal； and in the cause of society must be
written up。 He is the polecat of our species 。 。 。 。 He is
purely and simply a Guiteau with the courage left out 。 。 。 。
Steel portraits of him as a sort of idiot； from infancy upto a
dozen scattered through the bookall should resemble him。
But never mind the rest。 When he had got thoroughly interested in his
project Mrs。 Clemens； who had allowed the cyclone to wear itself out a
little with its own vehemence； suggested that perhaps it would be well to
have some one make an examination of the files of the paper and see just
what had been said of him。 So he subscribed for the paper himself and
set a man to work on the back numbers。 We will let him tell the
conclusion of the matter himself； in his report of it to Howells：
The result arrived from my New York man this morning。 Oh； what a
pitiable wreck of high hopes！ The 〃almost daily〃 assaults for two
months consist of （1） adverse criticism of P。 & P。 from an enraged
idiot in the London Athenaeum； （2） paragraphs from some indignant
Englishman in the Pall Mall Gazette； who pays me the vast compliment
of gravely rebuking some imaginary ass who has set me up in the
neighborhood of Rabelais； （3） a remark about the Montreal dinner；
touched with an almost invisible satire； and； （4） a remark about
refusal of Canadian copyright； not complimentary； but not
necessarily malicious； and of course adverse criticism which is not
malicious is a thing which none but fools irritate themselves about。
There； that is the prodigious bugaboo in its entirety！ Can you
conceive of a man's getting himself into a sweat over so diminutive
a provocation？ I am sure I can't。 What the devil can those friends
of mine have been thinking about to spread those three or four
harmless things out into two months of daily sneers and affronts？
Boiled down； this vast outpouring of malice amounts to simply this：
one jest （one can make nothing more serious than that out of it）。
One jest； and that is all； for foreign criticisms do not count； they
being matters of news； and proper for publication in anybody's
newspaper 。 。 。 。
Well； my mountain has brought forth its mouse； and a sufficiently
small mouse it is； God knows。 And my three weeks' hard work has got
to go into the ignominious pigeonhole。 Confound it； I could have
earned ten thousand dollars with infinitely less trouble。
Howells refers to this episode； and concludes：
So the paper was acquitted and the editor's life was spared。 The
wretch never； never knew how near he was to losing it； with
incredible preliminaries of obloquy； and a subsequent devotion to
lasting infamy。
CXXXVIII
MANY UNDERTAKINGS
To write a detailed biography of Mark Twain at this period would be to
defy perusal。 Even to set down all the interesting matters； interesting
to the public of his time； would mean not only to exhaust the subject；
but the reader。 He lived at the top of his bent； and almost anything
relating to him was regarded as news。 Daily and hourly he mingled with
important matters or spoke concerning them。 A bare list of the
interesting events of Mark Twain's life would fill a large volume。
He was so busy； so deeply interested himself； so vitally alive to every
human aspect。 He read the papers through； and there was always enough to
arouse his indignationthe doings of the human race at large could be
relied upon to do thatand he would write； and write； to relieve
himself。 His mental Niagara was always pouring away； turning out
articles； essays； communications on every conceivable subject； mainly
with the idea of reform。 There were many public and private abuses； and
he wanted to correct them all。 He covered reams of paper with lurid
heresiespolitical； religious； civicfor most of which there was no
hope of publication。
Now and then he was allowed to speak out： An order from the Past…office
Department at Washington concerning the superscription of envelopes
seemed to him unwarranted。 He assailed it； and directly the nation was
being entertained by a controversy between Mark Twain and the Postmaster…
General's private secretary； who subsequently receded from the field。
At another time； on the matter of postage rates he wrote a paper which
began： 〃Reader； suppose you were an idiot。 And suppose you were a member
of Congress。 But I repeat myself。〃
It is hardly necessary to add that the paper did not appear。
On the whole； Clemens wrote his strictures more for relief than to print；
and such of these papers as are preserved to…day form a curious
collection of human documents。 Many of them could be printed to…day；
without distress to any one。 The conditions that invited them are
changed； the heresies are not heresies any more。 He may have had some
thought of their publication in later years； for once he wrote：
Sometimes my feelings are so hot that I have to take the pen and put
them out on paper to keep them from setting me afire inside； then
all that ink and labor are wasted because I can't print the result。
I have just finished an article of this kind； and it satisfies me
entirely。 It does my weather…beaten soul good to read it； and
admire the trouble it would make for me and the family。 I will
leave it behind and utter it from the grave。 There is a free speech
there； and no harm to the family。
It is too late and too soon to print most of these things； too late to
print them for their salutary influence； too soon to print them as
literature。
He was interested in everything： in music； as little as he knew of it。
He had an ear for melody； a dramatic vision； and the poetic conception of
sound。 Reading some lilting lyric； he could fancy the words marching to
melody； and would cast about among his friends for some one who could
supply a tuneful setting。 Once he wrote to his friend the Rev。 Dr。
Park