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reading。
Morally this is all wrong； governmentally it is all right。 For it
is the duty of governments and families to be selfish； and look out
simply for their own。 International copyright would benefit a few
English authors and a lot of American publishers； and be a profound
detriment to twenty million Americans； it would benefit a dozen
American authors a few dollars a year； and there an end。 The real
advantages all go to English authors and American publishers。
And even if the treaty will kill Canadian piracy； and thus save me
an average of 5；000 a year； I'm down on it anyway； and I'd like
cussed well to write an article opposing the treaty。
It is a characteristic expression。 Mark Twain might be first to grab for
the life…preserver； but he would also be first to hand it to a humanity
in greater need。 He could damn the human race competently； but in the
final reckoning it was the interest of that race that lay closest to his
heart。
Mention has been made in an earlier chapter of Clemens's enthusiasms or
〃rages〃 for this thing and that which should benefit humankind。 He was
seldom entirely without them。 Whether it was copyright legislation； the
latest invention； or a new empiric practice； he rarely failed to have a
burning interest in some anodyne that would provide physical or mental
easement for his species。 Howells tells how once he was going to save
the human race with accordion letter…filesthe system of order which
would grow out of this useful device being of such nerve and labor saving
proportions as to insure long life and happiness to all。 The fountain…
pen； in its first imperfect form； must have come along about the same
time； and Clemens was one of the very earliest authors to own one。 For a
while it seemed that the world had known no greater boon since the
invention of printing； but when it clogged and balked； or suddenly
deluged his paper and spilled in his pocket； he flung it to the outer
darkness。 After which； the stylo…graphic pen。 He tried one； and wrote
severally to Dr。 Brown； to Howells； and to Twichell； urging its adoption。
Even in a letter to Mrs。 Howells he could not forget his new possession：
And speaking of Howells； he ought to use the stylographic pen； the
best fountain…pen yet invented； he ought to； but of course he won't…
…a blamed old sodden…headed conservativebut you see yourself what
a nice； clean； uniform MS。 it makes。
And at the same time to Twichell：
I am writing with a stylographic pen。 It takes a royal amount of
cussing to make the thing go the first few days or a week； but by
that time the dullest ass gets the hang of the thing； and after that
no enrichments of expression are required； and said ass finds the
stylographic a genuine God's blessing。 I carry one in each breeches
pocket； and both loaded。 I'd give you one of them if I had you
where I could teach you how to use itnot otherwise。 For the
average ass flings the thing out of the window in disgust the second
day； believing it hath no virtue； no merit of any sort； whereas the
lack lieth in himself； God of his mercy damn him。
It was not easy to withstand Mark Twain's enthusiasm。 Howells； Twichell；
and Dr。 Brown were all presently struggling and swearing （figuratively）
over their stylographic pens； trying to believe that salvation lay in
their conquest。 But in the midst of one letter； at last； Howells broke
down； seized his old steel weapon； and wrote savagely： 〃No white man
ought to use a stylographic pen； anyhow！〃 Then； with the more ancient
implement； continued in a calmer spirit。
It was only a little later that Clemens himself wrote：
You see I am trying a new pen。 I stood the stylograph as long as I
could； and then retired to the pencil。 The thing I am trying now is
that fountain…pen which is advertised to employ and accommodate
itself to any kind of pen。 So I selected an ordinary gold pena
limber oneand sent it to New York and had it cut and fitted to
this thing。 It goes very well indeedthus far； but doubtless the
devil will be in it by tomorrow。
Mark Twain's schemes were not all in the line of human advancement； some
of them were projected； primarily at least； for diversion。 He was likely
at any moment to organize a club； a sort of private club； and at the time
of which we are writing he proposed what was called the 〃Modest〃 Club。
He wrote to Howells； about it：
At present I am the only member； and as the modesty required must be
of a quite aggravated type the enterprise did seem for a time doomed
to stop dead still with myself； for lack of further material； but on
reflection I have come to the conclusion that you are eligible。
Therefore； I have held a meeting and voted to offer you the
distinction of membership。 I do not know that we can find any
others； though I have had some thought of Hay； Warner； Twichell；
Aldrich； Osgood； Fields； Higginson； and a few more； together with
Mrs。 Howells； Mrs。 Clemens； and certain others of the sex。 I have
long felt there ought to be an organized gang of our kind。
He appends the by…laws； the main ones being：
The object of the club shall be to eat and talk。
Qualification for membership shall be aggravated modesty；
unobtrusiveness； native humility； learning； talent； intelligence；
unassailable character。
There shall be no officers except a president； and any member who
has anything to eat and talk about may constitute himself president
for the time being。
Any brother or sister of the order finding a brother or a sister in
imminently deadly peril shall forsake his own concerns； no matter at
what cost； and call the police。
Any member knowing anything scandalous about himself shall
immediately inform the club； so that they shall call a meeting and
have the first chance to talk about it。
It was one of his whimsical fancies； and Howells replied that he would
like to join it； only that he was too modestthat is； too modest to
confess that he was modest enough for membership。
He added that he had sent a letter； with the rules； to Hay； but doubted
his modesty。 He said：
〃He will think he has a right to belong as much as you or I。〃
Howells agreed that his own name might be put down； but the idea seems
never to have gone any further。 Perhaps the requirements of membership
were too severe。
CXXXI
WORKING FOR GARFIELD
Eighteen hundred and eighty was a Presidential year。 General Garfield
was nominated on the Republican ticket （against General Hancock）； and
Clemens found him satisfactory。
Garfield suits me thoroughly and exactly ＇he wrote Howells＇。 I prefer
him to Grant's friends）。 The Presidency can't add anything to Grant； he
will shine on without it。 It is ephemeral； he is eternal。
That was the year when the Republican party became panicky over the
disaffection in its ranks； due to the defeat of Grant in the convention；
and at last； by pleadings an