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THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A SLANDER
THE
AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A
SLANDER
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THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A SLANDER
MY FIRST STAGE
At last the tea came up； and so With that our tongues began to go。 Now
in that house you're sure of knowing The smallest scrap of news that's
going。 We find it there the wisest way To take some care of what we say。
RECREATION。 JANE TAYLOR
I was born on the 2nd September； 1886； in a small； dull； country town。
When I say the town was dull； I mean； of course； that the inhabitants were
unenterprising； for in itself Muddleton was a picturesque place； and
though it laboured under the usual disadvantage of a dearth of bachelors
and a superfluity of spinsters； it might have been pleasant enough had it
not been a favourite resort for my kith and kin。
My father has long enjoyed a world…wide notoriety； he is not； however；
as a rule named in good society； though he habitually frequents it； and as I
am led to believe that my autobiography will possibly be circulated by Mr。
Mudie； and will lie about on drawing… room tables； I will merely mention
that a most representation of my progenitor； under his nom de theatre；
Mephistopheles； may be seen now in London； and I should recommend all
who wish to understand his character to go to the Lyceum； though；
between ourselves； he strongly disapproves of the whole performance。
I was introduced into the world by an old lady named Mrs。 O'Reilly。
She was a very pleasant old lady； the wife of a General； and one of those
sociable； friendly； talkative people who do much to cheer their neighbours；
particularly in a deadly…lively provincial place like Muddleton； where the
standard of social intercourse is not very high。 Mrs。 O'Reilly had been in
her day a celebrated beauty； she was now grey…haired and stout； but still
there was something impressive about her； and few could resist the charm
of her manner and the pleasant easy flow of her small talk。 Her love of
gossip amounted almost to a passion； and nothing came amiss to her； she
liked to know everything about everybody； and in the main I think her
interest was a kindly one； though she found that a little bit of scandal；
every now and then； added a piquant flavour to the homely fare provided
by the commonplace life of the Muddletonians。
I will now； without further preamble； begin the history of my life。
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THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A SLANDER
〃I assure you； my dear Lena； Mr。 Zaluski is nothing less than a
Nihilist！〃
The sound waves set in motion by Mrs。 O'Reilly's words were
tumultuously heaving in the atmosphere when I sprang into being； a young
but perfectly formed and most promising slander。 A delicious odour of
tea pervaded the drawing…room； it was orange…flower pekoe； and Mrs。
O'Reilly was just handing one of the delicate Crown Derby cups to her
visitor； Miss Lena Houghton。
〃What a shocking thing！ Do you really mean it？〃 exclaimed Miss
Houghton。 〃Thank you； cream but no sugar； don't you know； Mrs。
O'Reilly； that it is only Low…Church people who take sugar nowadays？ But；
really； now； about Mr。 Zaluski？ How did you find it out？〃
〃My dear； I am an old woman； and I have learnt in the course of a
wandering life to put two and two together；〃 said Mrs。 O'Reilly。 She had
somehow managed to ignore middle age； and had passed from her position
of renowned beauty to the position which she now firmly and constantly
claimed of many years and much experience。 〃Of course；〃 she continued；
〃like every one else； I was glad enough to be friendly and pleasant to
Sigismund Zaluski； and as to his being a Pole； why； I think it rather
pleased me than otherwise。 You see； my dear； I have knocked about the
world and mixed with all kinds of people。 Still； one must draw the line
somewhere； and I confess it gave me a very painful shock to find that he
had such violent antipathies to law and order。 When he took Ivy Cottage
for the summer I made the General call at once； and before long we had
become very intimate with him； but； my dear； he's not what I thought him…
…not at all！〃
〃Well now； I am delighted to hear you say that；〃 said Lena Houghton；
with some excitement in her manner； 〃for it exactly fits in with what I
always felt about him。 From the first I disliked that man； and the way he
goes on with Gertrude Morley is simply dreadful。 If they are not
engaged they ought to bethat's all I can say。〃
〃Engaged； my dear！ I trust not；〃 said Mrs。 O'Reilly。 〃I had always
hoped for something very different for dear Gertrude。 Quite between
ourselves； you know； my nephew John Carew is over head and ears in love
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THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF A SLANDER
with her； and they would make a very good pair； don't you think so？〃
〃Well； you see； I like Gertrude to a certain extent；〃 replied Lena
Houghton。 〃But I never raved about her as so many people do。 Still； I
hope she will not be entrapped into marrying Mr。 Zaluski； she deserves a
better fate than that。〃
〃I quite agree with you；〃 said Mrs。 O'Reilly； with a troubled look。
〃And the worst of it is； poor Gertrude is a girl who might very likely take
up foolish revolutionary notions； she needs a strong wise husband to keep
her in order and form her opinions。 But is it really true that he flirts with
her？ This is the first I have heard of it。 I can't think how it has escaped
my notice。〃
〃Nor I； for indeed he is up at the Morleys' pretty nearly every day。
What with tennis； and music； and riding； there is always some excuse for it。
I can't think what Gertrude sees in him； he is not even good…looking。〃
〃There is a certain surface good…nature about him；〃 said Mrs。 O'Reilly。
〃It deceived even me at first。 But； my dear Lena； mark my words： that
man has a fearful temper； and I pray Heaven that poor Gertrude may have
her eyes opene