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The Second Funeral of Napoleon
by William Makepeace Thackeray
〃by Michael Angelo Titmarch。〃
I。 On the Disinterment of Napoleon at St。 Helena
II。 On the Voyage from St。 Helena to Paris
III。 On the Funeral Ceremony
I。
ON THE DISINTERMENT OF NAPOLEON AT ST。 HELENA。
MY DEAR ；It is no easy task in this world to distinguish
between what is great in it； and what is mean； and many and many is
the puzzle that I have had in reading History （or the works of
fiction which go by that name）； to know whether I should laud up to
the skies； and endeavor； to the best of my small capabilities； to
imitate the remarkable character about whom I was reading； or
whether I should fling aside the book and the hero of it； as things
altogether base； unworthy； laughable； and get a novel； or a game of
billiards； or a pipe of tobacco； or the report of the last debate in
the House； or any other employment which would leave the mind in a
state of easy vacuity； rather than pester it with a vain set of
dates relating to actions which are in themselves not worth a fig；
or with a parcel of names of people whom it can do one no earthly
good to remember。
It is more than probable； my love； that you are acquainted with what
is called Grecian and Roman history； chiefly from perusing； in very
early youth； the little sheepskin…bound volumes of the ingenious Dr。
Goldsmith； and have been indebted for your knowledge of the English
annals to a subsequent study of the more voluminous works of Hume
and Smollett。 The first and the last…named authors； dear Miss
Smith； have written each an admirable history；that of the Reverend
Dr。 Primrose； Vicar of Wakefield； and that of Mr。 Robert Bramble； of
Bramble Hallin both of which works you will find true and
instructive pictures of human life； and which you may always think
over with advantage。 But let me caution you against putting any
considerable trust in the other works of these authors； which were
placed in your hands at school and afterwards； and in which you were
taught to believe。 Modern historians； for the most part； know very
little； and； secondly； only tell a little of what they know。
As for those Greeks and Romans whom you have read of in 〃sheepskin；〃
were you to know really what those monsters were； you would blush
all over as red as a hollyhock； and put down the history…book in a
fury。 Many of our English worthies are no better。 You are not in a
situation to know the real characters of any one of them。 They
appear before you in their public capacities； but the individuals
you know not。 Suppose； for instance； your mamma had purchased her
tea in the Borough from a grocer living there by the name of
Greenacre： suppose you had been asked out to dinner； and the
gentleman of the house had said： 〃Ho！ Francois！ a glass of champagne
for Miss Smith；〃Courvoisier would have served you just as any
other footman would； you would never have known that there was
anything extraordinary in these individuals； but would have thought
of them only in their respective public characters of Grocer and
Footman。 This； Madam； is History； in which a man always appears
dealing with the world in his apron； or his laced livery； but which
has not the power or the leisure； or； perhaps； is too high and
mighty to condescend to follow and study him in his privacy。 Ah； my
dear； when big and little men come to be measured rightly； and great
and small actions to be weighed properly； and people to be stripped
of their royal robes； beggars' rags； generals' uniforms； seedy out…
at…elbowed coats； and the likeor the contrary say； when souls come
to be stripped of their wicked deceiving bodies； and turned out
stark naked as they were before they were bornwhat a strange
startling sight shall we see； and what a pretty figure shall some of
us cut！ Fancy how we shall see Pride； with his Stultz clothes and
padding pulled off； and dwindled down to a forked radish！ Fancy
some Angelic Virtue； whose white raiment is suddenly whisked over
his head； showing us cloven feet and a tail！ Fancy Humility； eased
of its sad load of cares and want and scorn； walking up to the very
highest place of all； and blushing as he takes it！ Fancy；but we
must not fancy such a scene at all； which would be an outrage on
public decency。 Should we be any better than our neighbors？ No；
certainly。 And as we can't be virtuous； let us be decent。
Figleaves are a very decent； becoming wear； and have been now in
fashion for four thousand years。 And so； my dear； history is
written on fig…leaves。 Would you have anything further？ O fie！
Yes； four thousand years ago that famous tree was planted。 At their
very first lie； our first parents made for it； and there it is still
the great Humbug Plant； stretching its wide arms； and sheltering
beneath its leaves； as broad and green as ever； all the generations
of men。 Thus； my dear； coquettes of your fascinating sex cover
their persons with figgery； fantastically arranged； and call their
masquerading； modesty。 Cowards fig themselves out fiercely as
〃salvage men；〃 and make us believe that they are warriors。 Fools
look very solemnly out from the dusk of the leaves； and we fancy in
the gloom that they are sages。 And many a man sets a great wreath
about his pate and struts abroad a hero； whose claims we would all
of us laugh at； could we but remove the ornament and see his
numskull bare。
And such（excuse my sermonizing）such is the constitution of
mankind； that men have； as it were； entered into a compact among
themselves to pursue the fig…leaf system a l'outrance； and to cry
down all who oppose it。 Humbug they will have。 Humbugs themselves；
they will respect humbugs。 Their daily victuals of life must be
seasoned with humbug。 Certain things are there in the world that
they will not allow to be called by their right names； and will
insist upon our admiring； whether we will or no。 Woe be to the man
who would enter too far into the recesses of that magnificent temple
where our Goddess is enshrined； peep through the vast embroidered
curtains indiscreetly； penetrate the secret of secrets； and expose
the Gammon of Gammons！ And as you must not peer too curiously
within； so neither must you remain scornfully without。 Humbug…
worshippers； let us come into our great temple regularly and
decently： take our seats； and settle our clothes decently； open our
books； and go through the service with decent gravity； listen； and
be decently affected by the expositions of the decent priest of the
place； and if by chance some straggling vagabond； loitering in the
sunshine out of doors； dares to laugh or to sing； and disturb the
sanctified dulness of the faithful；quick！ a couple of big beadles
rush out and belabor the wretch； and his yells make our devotions
more comfortable。
Some magnificent religious ceremonies of this nature are at present
taking place in France； and