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And when Mary went down it was with the conviction that those black
eyelashes； too marked to he very pretty in so young a babe； were more
of a comfort to Amabel than anything she could say。
The evening wore on； and at length Laura came into her sister's room。
She looked fagged and harassed； the old face she used to wear in the
time of disguise and secrecy； Amabel asked if it had been a tiresome
party。
'YesnoI don't know。 Just like others；' said Laura。
'You are tired； at any rate；' said Amabel。 'You took too long a ride
with Philip。 I saw you come in very late。'
'I am not in the least tired； thank you。'
'Then he is；' said Amabel。 'I hope he has not one of his headaches
again。'
'No；' said Laura； still in a dissatisfied； uncomfortable tone。
'No？ Dear Laura； I am sure there is something wrong；' and with a
little more of her winning； pleading kindness； she drew from Laura that
Philip had told her she idolized him。 He had told her so very gently
and kindly； but he had said she idolized him in a manner that was
neither good for herself nor him； and he went on to blame himself for
it； which was what she could not bear。 It had been rankling in her
mind ever since that he had found fault with her for loving him so
well； and it had made her very unhappy。 She _could_ not love him less；
and how should she please him？ She had much rather he had blamed her
than himself。
'I think I see what he means' said Amy； thoughtfully。 'He has grown
afraid of himself； and afraid of being admired now。'
'But how am I to help that； Amy？' said Laura； with tears in her eyes：
'he cannot help being the first； the very first of all with me'
'No； no；' said Amy； quickly； 'not the very first； or what would you do
if you were to belike me？ Don't turn away； dear Laura； I don't think
I over could bear this at all； if dear Guy had not kept it always
before my eyes from the very first that we were to look to something
else besides each other。'
'Of course I meant the first earthly thing；' said Laura； but it was not
heartfeltshe knew she ought； therefore she thought she did。
'And so；' proceeded Amy； 'I think if that other is first； it would make
you have some other standard of right besides himself； then you would
be a stay and help to him。 I think that is what he means。'
'Amy！ let me ask you；' said Laura； a little entreatingly； yet as if she
must needs put the question'surely； you never thought Guy had
faults？'
Her colour deepened。 'Yes； Laura；' she answered； firmly。 'I could not
have understood his repentance if I had not thought so。 And； dear
Laura； if you will forgive me for saying it； it would be much better
for yourself and Philip if you would see the truth。'
'I thought you forgave him；' murmured Laura。
'Oh； Laura！ but does not that word 〃forgive〃 imply something？ I could
not have done anything to comfort him that day； if I had not believed
he had something to be comforted for。 It can't be pleasant to him to
see you think his repentance vain。'
'It is noble and great。'
'But if it was not real； it would be thrown away。 Besides； dear Laura；
do let me say this for once。 If you would but understand that you let
him lead you into what was not right； and be really sorry for that； and
show mamma that you are； I do think it would all begin much more
happily when you are married。'
'I could never have told； till I was obliged to betray myself；' said
Laura。 'You know； Amy； it was no engagement。 We never wrote to each
other； we had but one walk； it was no business of his to speak till he
could hope for papa's consent to our marriage。 It would have been all
confusion if he had told； and that would have been only that we had
always loved each other with all our hearts； which every one knew
before。'
'Yet； Laura； it was what preyed on him when he thought he was dying。'
'Because it was the only thing like a fault he could think of；' said
Laura； excited by this shade of blame to defend him vehemently
'because his scruples are high and noble and generous。'
She spoke so eagerly； that the baby's voice again broke on the
conversation； and she was obliged to go away； but though her idolatry
was complete； it did not seem to give full satisfaction or repose。 As
to Philip； though his love for her was unchanged； it now and then was
felt； though not owned by him； that she was not fully a helpmeet； only
a 'Self'； not such a 'Self' as he had left at St。 Mildred's； but still
reflecting on him his former character； instead of aiding him to a new
one。
CHAPTER 43
But nature to its inmost part
Faith had refined； and to her heart
A peaceful cradle given；
Calm as the dew drops free to rest
Within a breeze…fanned rose's breast
Till it exhales to heaven。WORDSWORTH
It had long been a promise that Mr。 Edmonstone should take Charlotte to
visit her grandmamma； in Ireland。 They would have gone last autumn；
but for Guy's illness； and now Aunt Charlotte wrote to hasten the
performance of the project。 Lady Mabel was very anxious to see them；
she said； and having grown much more infirm of late； seemed to think it
would be the last meeting with her son。 She talked so much of Mrs。
Edmonstone and Laura； that it was plain that she wished extremely for a
visit from them； though she did not like to ask it； in the present
state of the family。
A special invitation was sent to Bustle； indeed； Charles said Charlotte
could not have gone without his permission； for he reigned like a
tyrant over her； evidently believing her created for no purpose but to
wait on him； and take him to walk。
Laura was a great favourite at the cottage of Kilcoran； and felt she
ought to offer to go。 Philip fully agreed； and held out home hopes of
following as soon as the session； was over； and he had been to
Redclyffe about some business that had been deferred too long。
And now it appeared that Mr。 Edmonstone had a great desire to take his
wife； and she herself said； that under any other circumstances she
should have been very desirous of going。 She had not been to Ireland
for fifteen years； and was sorry to have seen so little of her mother…
in…law； and now that it had been proved that Charles could exist
without her； she would not have hesitated to leave him； but for
Amabel's state of health and spirits； which made going from home out of
the question。
Charles and Amabel did not think so。 It was not to be endured； that
when grandmamma wished for her； she should stay at home for them
without real necessity； besides； the fatigue； anxiety； and sorrow she
had undergone of late； had told on her； and had made her alter
perceptibly； from being remarkably fresh and youthful； to be somewhat
aged； and the change to a new scene； where she could not be distressing
herself at every