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feet high and； bless you； it does them goodit is like a tonic to
them。
As for the young man that is coming home to see his girl； you simply
can't kill him。 Achilles was a summer rose compared with him。 Nature
and mankind have not sufficient materials in hand as yet to kill that
man。 Science has but the strength of a puling babe against his
invulnerability。 You can waste your time on earthquakes and
shipwrecks； volcanic eruptions； floods； explosions； railway accidents；
and such like sort of things； if you are foolish enough to do so； but
it is no good your imagining that anything of the kind can hurt him；
because it can't。
There will be thousands of people killed； thousands in each instance；
but one human being will always escape； and that one human being will
be the stage young man who is coming home to see his girl。
He is forever being reported as dead； but it always turns out to be
another fellow who was like him or who had on his （the young man's）
hat。 He is bound to be out of it； whoever else may be in。
〃If I had been at my post that day；〃 he explains to his sobbing
mother； 〃I should have been blown up； but the Providence that watches
over good men had ordained that I should be laying blind drunk in
Blogg's saloon at the time the explosion took place； and so the other
engineer； who had been doing my work when it was his turn to be off；
was killed along with the whole of the crew。〃
〃Ah； thank Heaven； thank Heaven for that！〃 ejaculates the pious old
lady； and the comic man is so overcome with devout joy that he has to
relieve his overstrained heart by drawing his young woman on one side
and grossly insulting her。
All attempts to kill this young man ought really to be given up now。
The job has been tried over and over again by villains and bad people
of all kinds； but no one has ever succeeded。 There has been an amount
of energy and ingenuity expended in seeking to lay up that one man
which； properly utilized； might have finished off ten million ordinary
mortals。 It is sad to think of so much wasted effort。
He； the young man coming home to see his girl； need never take an
insurance ticket or even buy a _Tit Bits_。 It would be needless
expenditure in his case。
On the other hand； and to make matters equal； as it were； there are
some stage people so delicate that it is next door to impossible to
keep them alive。
The inconvenient husband is a most pathetic example of this。 Medical
science is powerless to save that man when the last act comes round；
indeed； we doubt whether medical science； in its present state of
development； could even tell what is the matter with him or why he
dies at all。 He looks healthy and robust enough and nobody touches
him； yet down he drops； without a word of warning； stone…dead； in the
middle of the floorhe always dies in the middle of the floor。 Some
folks like to die in bed； but stage people don't。 They like to die on
the floor。 We all have our different tastes。
The adventuress herself is another person who dies with remarkable
ease。 We suppose in her case it is being so used to it that makes her
so quick and clever at it。 There is no lingering illness and doctors'
bills and upsetting of the whole household arrangements about her
method。 One walk round the stage and the thing is done。
All bad characters die quickly on the stage。 Good characters take a
long time over it； and have a sofa down in the drawing…room to do it
on； and have sobbing relatives and good old doctors fooling around
them； and can smile and forgive everybody。 Bad stage characters have
to do the whole job； dying speech and all； in about ten seconds； and
do it with all their clothes on into the bargain； which must make it
most uncomfortable。
It is repentance that kills off the bad people in plays。 They always
repent； and the moment they repent they die。 Repentance on the stage
seems to be one of the most dangerous things a man can be taken with。
Our advice to stage wicked people would undoubtedly be； 〃Never repent。
If you value your life； don't repent。 It always means sudden death！〃
To return to our adventuress。 She is by no means a bad woman。 There
is much good in her。 This is more than proved by the fact that she
learns to love the hero before she dies； for no one but a really good
woman capable of extraordinary patience and gentleness could ever； we
are convinced； grow to feel any other sentiment for that irritating
ass； than a desire to throw bricks at him。
The stage adventuress would be a much better woman； too； if it were
not for the heroine。 The adventuress makes the most complete
arrangements for being noble and self…sacrificingthat is； for going
away and never coming back； and is just about to carry them out； when
the heroine； who has a perfect genius for being in the wrong place at
the right time； comes in and spoils it all。 No stage adventuress can
be good while the heroine is about。 The sight of the heroine rouses
every bad feeling in her breast。
We can sympathize with her in this respect。 The heroine often affects
ourselves in precisely the same way。
There is a good deal to be said in favor of the adventuress。 True；
she possesses rather too much sarcasm and repartee to make things
quite agreeable round the domestic hearth； and when she has got all
her clothes on there is not much room left in the place for anybody
else； but taken on the whole she is decidedly attractive。 She has
grit and go in her。 She is alive。 She can do something to help
herself besides calling for 〃George。〃
She has not got a stage childif she ever had one； she has left it on
somebody else's doorstep which； presuming there was no water handy to
drown it in； seems to be about the most sensible thing she could have
done with it。 She is not oppressively good。
She never wants to be 〃unhanded〃 or 〃let to pass。〃
She is not always being shocked or insulted by people telling her that
they love her； she does not seem to mind it if they do。 She is not
always fainting； and crying； and sobbing； and wailing； and moaning；
like the good people in the play are。
Oh； they do have an unhappy time of itthe good people in plays！
Then she is the only person in the piece who can sit on the comic man。
We sometimes think it would be a fortunate thingfor himif they
allowed her to marry and settle down quietly with the hero。 She might
make a man of him in time。
THE SERVANT…GIRL。
There are two types of servant…girl to be met with on the stage。 This
is an unusual allowance for one profession。
There is the lodging…house slavey。 She has a good heart and a smutty
face and is always dressed according to the latest fashion in
scarecrows。 Her leading occupation is the cleaning of boots。 She
cleans boots all over the house； at all hours of the day。 She comes
and sits down on the hero's breakfast…table and cleans them over the
poor fellow's food。 She comes into the drawing…room cleaning boots。
She has her own method of cleaning them； too。 She rubs off the mud；
puts on the blacking； and polishes up all with the same brush。 They
take an enormous amount of polishing。 She seems to do nothi