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without its terrors。 Would to heaven it were come and gone！
I feel no reluctance； my friends； to be thus explicit。 Time was；
when these emotions would be hidden with immeasurable solicitude
from every human eye。 Alas！ these airy and fleeting impulses of
shame are gone。 My scruples were preposterous and criminal。 They
are bred in all hearts by a perverse and vicious education； and
they would still have maintained their place in my heart； had not
my portion been set in misery。 My errors have taught me thus much
wisdom：that those sentiments which we ought not to disclose it is
criminal to harbor。
It was proposed to begin the rehearsal at four o'clock。 I counted
the minutes as they passed； their flight was at once too rapid and
too slow： my sensations were of an excruciating kind； I could taste
no food； nor apply to any task； nor enjoy a moment's repose； when
the hour arrived I hastened to my brother's。
Pleyel was not there。 He had not yet come。 On ordinary occasions
he was eminent for punctuality。 He had testified great eagerness
to share in the pleasures of this rehearsal。 He was to divide the
task with my brother； and in tasks like these he always engaged
with peculiar zeal。 His elocution was less sweet than sonorous；
and； therefore； better adapted than the mellifluences of his friend
to the outrageous vehemence of this drama。
What could detain him？ Perhaps he lingered through forgetfulness。
Yet this was incredible。 Never had his memory been known to fail
upon even more trivial occasions。 Not less impossible was it that
the scheme had lost its attractions； and that he stayed because his
coming would afford him no gratification。 But why should we expect
him to adhere to the minute？
A half…hour elapsed； but Pleyel was still at a distance。 Perhaps
he had misunderstood the hour which had been proposed。 Perhaps he
had conceived that to…morrow； and not to…day； had been selected for
this purpose； but no。 A review of preceding circumstances
demonstrated that such misapprehension was impossible； for he had
himself proposed this day； and this hour。 This day his attention
would not otherwise be occupied； but to…morrow an indispensable
engagement was foreseen； by which all his time would be engrossed；
his detention； therefore； must be owing to some unforeseen and
extraordinary event。 Our conjectures were vague； tumultuous； and
sometimes fearful。 His sickness and his death might possibly have
detained him。
Tortured with suspense； we sat gazing at each other； and at the
path which led from the road。 Every horseman that passed was； for
a moment； imagined to be him。 Hour succeeded hour； and the sun；
gradually declining； at length disappeared。 Every signal of his
coming proved fallacious； and our hopes were at length dismissed。
His absence affected my friends in no insupportable degree。 They
should be obliged； they said； to defer this undertaking till the
morrow； and perhaps their impatient curiosity would compel them to
dispense entirely with his presence。 No doubt some harmless
occurrence had diverted him from his purpose； and they trusted that
they should receive a satisfactory account of him in the morning。
It may be supposed that this disappointment affected me in a very
different manner。 I turned aside my head to conceal my tears。 I
fled into solitude； to give vent to my reproaches without
interruption or restraint。 My heart was ready to burst with
indignation and grief。 Pleyel was not the only object of my keen
but unjust upbraiding。 Deeply did I execrate my own folly。 Thus
fallen into ruins was the gay fabric which I had reared！ Thus had
my golden vision melted into air！
How fondly did I dream that Pleyel was a lover！ If he were； would
he have suffered any obstacle to hinder his coming？ 〃Blind and
infatuated man！〃 I exclaimed。 〃Thou sportest with happiness。 The
good that is offered thee thou hast the insolence and folly to
refuse。 Well； I will henceforth intrust my felicity to no one's
keeping but my own。〃
The first agonies of this disappointment would not allow me to be
reasonable or just。 Every ground on which I had built the
persuasion that Pleyel was not unimpressed in my favor appeared to
vanish。 It seemed as if I had been misled into this opinion by the
most palpable illusions。
I made some trifling excuse； and returned； much earlier than I
expected； to my own house。 I retired early to my chamber； without
designing to sleep。 I placed myself at a window； and gave the
reins to reflection。
The hateful and degrading impulses which had lately controlled me
were； in some degree； removed。 New dejection succeeded； but was
now produced by contemplating my late behavior。 Surely that
passion is worthy to be abhorred which obscures our understanding
and urges us to the commission of injustice。 What right had I to
expect his attendance？ Had I not demeaned myself like one
indifferent to his happiness； and as having bestowed my regards
upon another？ His absence might be prompted by the love which I
considered his absence as a proof that he wanted。 He came not
because the sight of me； the spectacle of my coldness or aversion；
contributed to his despair。 Why should I prolong； by hypocrisy or
silence； his misery as well as my own？ Why not deal with him
explicitly； and assure him of the truth？
You will hardly believe that； in obedience to this suggestion； I
rose for the purpose of ordering a light； that I might instantly
make this confession in a letter。 A second thought showed me the
rashness of this scheme； and I wondered by what infirmity of mind I
could be betrayed into a momentary approbation of it。 I saw with
the utmost clearness that a confession like that would be the most
remediless and unpardonable outrage upon the dignity of my sex； and
utterly unworthy of that passion which controlled me。
I resumed my seat and my musing。 To account for the absence of
Pleyel became once more the scope of my conjectures。 How many
incidents might occur to raise an insuperable impediment in his
way！ When I was a child； a scheme of pleasure； in which he and his
sister were parties； had been in like manner frustrated by his
absence； but his absence； in that instance； had been occasioned by
his falling from a boat into the river； in consequence of which he
had run the most imminent hazard of being drowned。 Here was a
second disappointment endured by the same persons； and produced by
his failure。 Might it not originate in the same cause？ Had he not
designed to cross the river that morning to make some necessary
purchases in New Jersey？ He had preconcerted to return to his own
house to dinner but perhaps some disaster had befallen him。
Experience had taught me the insecurity of a canoe； and that was
the only kind of boat which Pleyel used； I was； likewise； actuated
by an hereditary dread of water。 These circumstances combined to