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be directed against yourself for grasping at everything which may
serve your passion。 What！ must nature and society alike be in bondage
to your caprice？ You are the old Louise； you have never acquired the
qualities which ought to be a woman's； self…willed and unreasonable as
a girl； you introduce withal into your love the keenest and most
mercenary of calculations！ Are you sure that； after all； the price you
ask for your toilets is not too high？ All these precautions are to my
mind very suggestive of mistrust。
Oh； dear Louise； if only you knew the sweetness of a mother's efforts
to discipline herself in kindness and gentleness to all about her！ My
proud； self…sufficing temper gradually dissolved into a soft
melancholy； which in turn has been swallowed up by those delights of
motherhood which have been its reward。 If the early hours were
toilsome； the evening will be tranquil and clear。 My dread is lest the
day of your life should take the opposite course。
When I had read your letter to a close； I prayed God to send you among
us for a day； that you might see what family life really is； and learn
the nature of those joys； which are lasting and sweeter than tongue
can tell； because they are genuine； simple； and natural。 But； alas！
what chance have I with the best of arguments against a fallacy which
makes you happy？ As I write these words； my eyes fill with tears。 I
had felt so sure that some months of honeymoon would prove a surfeit
and restore you to reason。 But I see that there is no limit to your
appetite； and that； having killed a man who loved you； you will not
cease till you have killed love itself。 Farewell； dear misguided
friend。 I am in despair that the letter which I hoped might reconcile
you to society by its picture of my happiness should have brought
forth only a paean of selfishness。 Yes； your love is selfish； you love
Gaston far less for himself than for what he is to you。
LIV
MME。 GASTON TO THE COMTESSE DE L'ESTORADE
May 20th。
Renee； calamity has comeno； that is no word for itit has burst
like a thunderbolt over your poor Louise。 You know what that means；
calamity for me is doubt； certainty would be death。
The day before yesterday； when I had finished my first toilet； I
looked everywhere for Gaston to take a little turn with me before
lunch； but in vain。 I went to the stable； and there I saw his mare all
in a lather； while the groom was removing the foam with a knife before
rubbing her down。
〃Who in the world has put Fedelta in such a state？〃 I asked。
〃Master；〃 replied the lad。
I saw the mud of Paris on the mare's legs； for country mud is quite
different； and at once it flashed through me； 〃He has been to Paris。〃
This thought raised a swarm of others in my heart； and it seemed as
though all the life in my body rushed there。 To go to Paris without
telling me； at the hour when I leave him alone； to hasten there and
back at such speed as to distress Fedelta。 Suspicion clutched me in
its iron grip； till I could hardly breathe。 I walked aside a few steps
to a seat； where I tried to recover my self…command。
Here Gaston found me； apparently pale and fluttered； for he
immediately exclaimed； 〃What is wrong？〃 in a tone of such alarm； that
I rose and took his arm。 But my muscles refused to move； and I was
forced to sit down again。 Then he took me in his arms and carried me
to the parlor close by； where the frightened servants pressed after
us； till Gaston motioned them away。 Once left to ourselves； I refused
to speak； but was able to reach my room； where I shut myself in； to
weep my fill。 Gaston remained something like two hours at my door；
listening to my sobs and questioning with angelic patience his poor
darling； who made no response。
At last I told him that I would see him when my eyes were less red and
my voice was steady again。
My formal words drove him from the house。 But by the time I had bathed
my eyes in iced water and cooled my face； I found him in our room； the
door into which was open； though I had heard no steps。 He begged me to
tell him what was wrong。
〃Nothing；〃 I said； 〃I saw the mud of Paris on Fedelta's trembling
legs； it seemed strange that you should go there without telling me；
but； of course； you are free。〃
〃I shall punish you for such wicked thoughts by not giving any
explanation till to…morrow；〃 he replied。
〃Look at me；〃 I said。
My eyes met his； deep answered to deep。 No； not a trace of the cloud
of disloyalty which； rising from the soul； must dim the clearness of
the eye。 I feigned satisfaction； though really unconvinced。 It is not
women only who can lie and dissemble！
The whole of the day we spent together。 Ever and again； as I looked at
him； I realized how fast my heart…strings were bound to him。 How I
trembled and fluttered within when； after a moment's absence； he
reappeared。 I live in him； not in myself。 My cruel sufferings gave the
lie to your unkind letter。 Did I ever feel my life thus bound up in
the noble Spaniard； who adored me； as I adore this heartless boy？ I
hate that mare！ Fool that I was to keep horses！ But the next thing
would have been to lame Gaston or imprison him in the cottage。 Wild
thoughts like these filled my brain； you see how near I was to
madness！ If love be not the cage； what power on earth can hold back
the man who wants to be free？
I asked him point…blank； 〃Do I bore you？〃
〃What needless torture you give yourself！〃 was his reply； while he
looked at me with tender； pitying eyes。 〃Never have I loved you so
deeply。〃
〃If that is true； my beloved； let me sell Fedelta；〃 I answered。
〃Sell her； by all means！〃
The reply crushed me。 Was it not a covert taunt at my wealth and his
own nothingness in the house？ This may never have occurred to him； but
I thought it had； and once more I left him。 It was night； and I would
go to bed。
Oh！ Renee； to be alone with a harrowing thought drives one to thoughts
of death。 These charming gardens； the starry night； the cool air；
laden with incense from our wealth of flowers； our valley； our hills
all seemed to me gloomy； black； and desolate。 It was as though I lay
at the foot of a precipice； surrounded by serpents and poisonous
plants； and saw no God in the sky。 Such a night ages a woman。
Next morning I said：
〃Take Fedelta and be off to Paris！ Don't sell her； I love her。 Does
she not carry you？〃
But he was not deceived； my tone betrayed the storm of feeling which I
strove to conceal。
〃Trust me！〃 he replied； and the gesture with which he held out his
hand； the glance of his eye； were so full of loyalty that I was
overcome。
〃What petty creatures women are！〃 I exclaimed。
〃No； you love me； that is all；〃 he said； pressing me to his heart。
〃Go to Paris without me；〃 I said； and this time I made him understand
that my suspicions were laid aside。
He went； I thought he would have stayed。 I won't attempt to tell you
what I suffered。 I found a second self within； quite strange to me。 A
crisis like this has； for the woman who loves； a tragic solemnity that
baffles words； the whole of life rises before you then； and you search
in vain for any horizon to it； the veriest trifle is