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mental gifts also for myself。 To others they should be as meaningless
as your eyes； the charm of your mouth and features。 Let it be mine
alone to kindle the beacon of your intelligence； as I bring the
lovelight into your eyes。 I would have you the Spanish grandee of old
days； cold； ungracious； haughty； a monument to be gazed at from afar；
like the ruins of some barbaric power； which no one ventures to
explore。 Now； you have nothing better to do than to open up pleasant
promenades for the public； and show yourself of a Parisian affability！
Is my ideal portrait； then； forgotten？ Your excessive cheerfulness was
redolent of your love。 Had it not been for a restraining glance from
me； you would have proclaimed to the most sharp…sighted； keen…witted；
and unsparing of Paris salons； that your inspiration was drawn from
Armande…Louise…Marie de Chaulieu。
I believe in your greatness too much to think for a moment that your
love is ruled by policy； but if you did not show a childlike
simplicity when with me； I could only pity you。 Spite of this first
fault； you are still deeply admired by
LOUISE DE CHAULIEU。
XXIII
FELIPE TO LOUISE
When God beholds our faults； He sees also our repentance。 Yes； my
beloved mistress； you are right。 I felt that I had displeased you； but
knew not how。 Now that you have explained the cause of your trouble； I
find in it fresh motive to adore you。 Like the God of Israel； you are
a jealous deity； and I rejoice to see it。 For what is holier and more
precious than jealousy？ My fair guardian angel； jealousy is an ever…
wakeful sentinel； it is to love what pain is to the body； the faithful
herald of evil。 Be jealous of your servant； Louise； I beg of you； the
harder you strike； the more contrite will he be and kiss the rod； in
all submission； which proves that he is not indifferent to you。
But； alas！ dear； if the pains it cost me to vanquish my timidity and
master feelings you thought so feeble were invisible to you； will
Heaven； think you； reward them？ I assure you； it needed no slight
effort to show myself to you as I was in the days before I loved。 At
Madrid I was considered a good talker； and I wanted you to see for
yourself the few gifts I may possess。 If this were vanity； it has been
well punished。
Your last glance utterly unnerved me。 Never had I so quailed； even
when the army of France was at the gates of Cadiz and I read peril for
my life in the dissembling words of my royal master。 Vainly I tried to
discover the cause of your displeasure； and the lack of sympathy
between us which this fact disclosed was terrible to me。 For in truth
I have no wish but to act by your will； think your thoughts； see with
your eyes； respond to your joy and suffering； as my body responds to
heat and cold。 The crime and the anguish lay for me in the breach of
unison in that common life of feeling which you have made so fair。
〃I have vexed her！〃 I exclaimed over and over again； like one
distraught。 My noble； my beautiful Louise； if anything could increase
the fervor of my devotion or confirm my belief in your delicate moral
intuitions； it would be the new light which your words have thrown
upon my own feelings。 Much in them； of which my mind was formerly but
dimly conscious； you have now made clear。 If this be designed as
chastisement； what can be the sweetness of your rewards？
Louise； for me it was happiness enough to be accepted as your servant。
You have given me the life of which I despaired。 No longer do I draw a
useless breath； I have something to spend myself for； my force has an
outlet； if only in suffering for you。 Once more I say； as I have said
before； that you will never find me other than I was when first I
offered myself as your lowly bondman。 Yes； were you dishonored and
lost； to use your own words； my heart would only cling the more
closely to you for your self…sought misery。 It would be my care to
staunch your wounds； and my prayers should importune God with the
story of your innocence and your wrongs。
Did I not tell you that the feelings of my heart for you are not a
lover's only； that I will be to you father； mother； sister； brother
ay； a whole familyanything or nothing； as you may decree？ And is it
not your own wish which has confined within the compass of a lover's
feeling so many varying forms of devotion？ Pardon me； then； if at
times the father and brother disappear behind the lover； since you
know they are none the less there； though screened from view。 Would
that you could read the feelings of my heart when you appear before
me； radiant in your beauty； the centre of admiring eyes； reclining
calmly in your carriage in the Champs…Elysees； or seated in your box
at the Opera！ Then would you know how absolutely free from selfish
taint is the pride with which I hear the praises of your loveliness
and grace； praises which warm my heart even to the strangers who utter
them！ When by chance you have raised me to elysium by a friendly
greeting； my pride is mingled with humility； and I depart as though
God's blessing rested on me。 Nor does the joy vanish without leaving a
long track of light behind。 It breaks on me through the clouds of my
cigarette smoke。 More than ever do I feel how every drop of this
surging blood throbs for you。
Can you be ignorant how you are loved？ After seeing you； I return to
my study； and the glitter of its Saracenic ornaments sinks to nothing
before the brightness of your portrait； when I open the spring that
keeps it locked up from every eye and lose myself in endless musings
or link my happiness to verse。 From the heights of heaven I look down
upon the course of a life such as my hopes dare to picture it！ Have
you never； in the silence of the night； or through the roar of the
town； heard the whisper of a voice in your sweet； dainty ear？ Does no
one of the thousand prayers that I speed to you reach home？
By dint of silent contemplation of your pictured face； I have
succeeded in deciphering the expression of every feature and tracing
its connection with some grace of the spirit； and then I pen a sonnet
to you in Spanish on the harmony of the twofold beauty in which nature
has clothed you。 These sonnets you will never see； for my poetry is
too unworthy of its theme； I dare not send it to you。 Not a moment
passes without thoughts of you； for my whole being is bound up in you；
and if you ceased to be its animating principle； every part would
ache。
Now； Louise； can you realize the torture to me of knowing that I had
displeased you； while entirely ignorant of the cause？ The ideal double
life which seemed so fair was cut short。 My heart turned to ice within
me as； hopeless of any other explanation； I concluded that you had
ceased to love me。 With heavy heart； and yet not wholly without
comfort； I was falling back upon my old post as servant； then your
letter came and turned all to joy。 Oh！ might I but listen for ever to
such chiding！
Once a child； picking himself up from a tumble； turned to his mother
with the words 〃Forgive me。〃 Hiding his own hurt； he sought pardon for
the pain he had caused her。 Louise； I was that child； and such as I
was then； I am now。 Here is