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I left Spain； a fugitive and penniless； but I have to…day received
from my family a sum sufficient for my needs。 You will allow me to
send some poor Spaniard in my place。〃
In other words； he seemed to me to say； 〃This little game must stop。〃
He rose with an air of marvelous dignity； and left me quite upset by
such unheard…of delicacy in a man of his class。 He went downstairs and
asked to speak with my father。
At dinner my father said to me with a smile：
〃Louise； you have been learning Spanish from an ex…minister and a man
condemned to death。〃
〃The Duc de Soria；〃 I said。
〃Duke！〃 replied my father。 〃No； he is not that any longer； he takes
the title now of Baron de Macumer from a property which still remains
to him in Sardinia。 He is something of an original； I think。〃
〃Don't brand with that word； which with you always implies some
mockery and scorn； a man who is your equal； and who； I believe； has a
noble nature。〃
〃Baronne de Macumer？〃 exclaimed my father； with a laughing glance at
me。
Pride kept my eyes fixed on the table。
〃But；〃 said my mother； 〃Henarez must have met the Spanish ambassador
on the steps？〃
〃Yes；〃 replied my father； 〃the ambassador asked me if I was conspiring
against the King； his master； but he greeted the ex…grandee of Spain
with much deference； and placed his services at his disposal。〃
All this； dear； Mme。 de l'Estorade； happened a fortnight ago； and it
is a fortnight now since I have seen the man who loves me； for that he
loves me there is not a doubt。 What is he about？ If only I were a fly；
or a mouse； or a sparrow！ I want to see him alone； myself unseen； at
his house。 Only think； a man exists； to whom I can say； 〃Go and die
for me！〃 And he is so made that he would go； at least I think so。
Anyhow； there is in Paris a man who occupies my thoughts； and whose
glance pours sunshine into my soul。 Is not such a man an enemy； whom I
ought to trample under foot？ What？ There is a man who has become
necessary to mea man without whom I don't know how to live！ You
married； and Iin love！ Four little months； and those two doves；
whose wings erst bore them so high； have fluttered down upon the flat
stretches of real life！
Sunday。
Yesterday； at the Italian Opera； I could feel some one was looking at
me； my eyes were drawn； as by a magnet； to two wells of fire； gleaming
like carbuncles in a dim corner of the orchestra。 Henarez never moved
his eyes from me。 The wretch had discovered the one spot from which he
could see meand there he was。 I don't know what he may be as a
politician； but for love he has a genius。
Behold； my fair Renee； where our business now stands；
as the great Corneille has said。
XIII
MME。 DE L'ESTORADE TO MLLE。 DE CHAULIEU
LA CRAMPADE； February。
My dear Louise；I was bound to wait some time before writing to you；
but now I know； or rather I have learned； many things which； for the
sake of your future happiness； I must tell you。 The difference between
a girl and a married woman is so vast； that the girl can no more
comprehend it than the married woman can go back to girlhood again。
I chose to marry Louis de l'Estorade rather than return to the
convent； that at least is plain。 So soon as I realized that the
convent was the only alternative to marrying Louis； I had； as girls
say； to 〃submit；〃 and my submission once made； the next thing was to
examine the situation and try to make the best of it。
The serious nature of what I was undertaking filled me at first with
terror。 Marriage is a matter concerning the whole of life； whilst love
aims only at pleasure。 On the other hand； marriage will remain when
pleasures have vanished； and it is the source of interests far more
precious than those of the man and woman entering on the alliance。
Might it not therefore be that the only requisite for a happy marriage
was friendshipa friendship which； for the sake of these advantages；
would shut its eyes to many of the imperfections of humanity？ Now
there was no obstacle to the existence of friendship between myself
and Louis de l'Estorade。 Having renounced all idea of finding in
marriage those transports of love on which our minds used so often；
and with such perilous rapture； to dwell； I found a gentle calm
settling over me。 〃If debarred from love； why not seek for happiness？〃
I said to myself。 〃Moreover； I am loved； and the love offered me I
shall accept。 My married life will be no slavery； but rather a
perpetual reign。 What is there to say against such a situation for a
woman who wishes to remain absolute mistress of herself？〃
The important point of separating marriage from marital rights was
settled in a conversation between Louis and me； in the course of which
he gave proof of an excellent temper and a tender heart。 Darling； my
desire was to prolong that fair season of hope which； never
culminating in satisfaction； leaves to the soul its virginity。 To
grant nothing to duty or the law； to be guided entirely by one's own
will； retaining perfect independencewhat could be more attractive；
more honorable？
A contract of this kind； directly opposed to the legal contract； and
even to the sacrament itself； could be concluded only between Louis
and me。 This difficulty； the first which has arisen； is the only one
which has delayed the completion of our marriage。 Although； at first；
I may have made up my mind to accept anything rather than return to
the convent； it is only in human nature； having got an inch； to ask
for an ell； and you and I； sweet love； are of those who would have it
all。
I watched Louis out of the corner of my eye； and put it to myself；
〃Has suffering had a softening or a hardening effect on him？〃 By dint
of close study； I arrived at the conclusion that his love amounted to
a passion。 Once transformed into an idol； whose slightest frown would
turn him white and trembling； I realized that I might venture
anything。 I drew him aside in the most natural manner on solitary
walks； during which I discreetly sounded his feelings。 I made him
talk； and got him to expound to me his ideas and plans for our future。
My questions betrayed so many preconceived notions； and went so
straight for the weak points in this terrible dual existence； that
Louis has since confessed to me the alarm it caused him to find in me
so little of the ignorant maiden。
Then I listened to what he had to say in reply。 He got mixed up in his
arguments； as people do when handicapped by fear； and before long it
became clear that chance had given me for adversary one who was the
less fitted for the contest because he was conscious of what you
magniloquently call my 〃greatness of soul。〃 Broken by sufferings and
misfortune； he looked on himself as a sort of wreck； and three fears
in especial haunted him。
First； we are aged respectively thirty…seven and seventeen； and he
could not contemplate without quaking the twenty years that divide us。
In the next place； he shares our views on the subject of my beauty；
and it is cruel for him to see how the hardships of his life have
robbed him of youth。 Finally； he felt the superiority of my womanhood
over his manhood。 The consciousness of these three ob