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wearing boots。 All of which is respectfully submitted。
1。57。 ROUGH BEGINNING OF THE HONEYMOON。
On last Friday morning an athletic young farmer in the town of
Waynesburg took a fair girl； 〃all bathed in blushes；〃 from her
parents； and started for the first town across the Pennsylvania line
to be married； where the ceremony could be performed without a
license。 The happy pair were accompanied by a sister of the girl； a
tall； gaunt； and sharp…featured female of some thirty…seven summers。
The pair crossed the line； were married； and returned to Wellsville
to pass the night。 People at the hotel where the wedding party
stopped observed that they conducted themselves in a rather singular
manner。 The husband would take his sister…in…law； the tall female
aforesaid； into one corner of the parlor and talk earnestly to her
gesticulating wildly the while。 Then the tall female would 〃put her
foot down〃 and talk to him in an angry and excited manner。 Then the
husband would take his fair young bride into a corner； but he could
no sooner commence talking to her than the gaunt sister would rush
in between them and angrily join in the conversation。 The people at
the hotel ascertained what all this meant about 9 o'clock that
evening。 There was an uproar in the room which had been assigned to
the newly married couple。 Female shrieks and masculine 〃swears〃
startled the people at the hotel； and they rushed to the spot。 The
gaunt female was pressing and kicking against the door of the room；
and the newly…married man； mostly undressed； was barring her out
with all his might。 Occasionally she would kick the door far enough
open to disclose the stalwart husband； in his Gentleman Greek Slave
apparel。 It appeared that the tall female insisted upon occupying
the same room with the newly…wedded pair； that her sister was
favorably disposed to the arrangement； and that the husband had
agreed to it before the wedding took place； and was now indignantly
repudiating the contract。 〃Won't you go away now； Susan； peaceful？〃
said the newly…married man； softening his voice。
〃No；〃 said she； 〃I won'tso there！〃
〃Don't you budge an inch！〃 cried the married sister within the room。
〃Nownow； Maria；〃 said the young man to his wife； in a piteous
tone； 〃don't go for to cuttin' up in this way； now don't！〃
〃I'll cut up's much I wanter！〃 she sharply replied。
〃Well；〃 roared the desperate man； throwing the door wide open and
stalking out among the crowd； 〃well； jest you two wimin put on your
duds and go right straight home and bring back the old man and
woman； and your grandfather； who is nigh on to a hundred； bring 'em
all here； AND I'LL MARRY THE WHOLE DD CABOODLE OF 'EM AND WE'LL
ALL SLEEP TOGETHER！〃
The difficulty was finally adjusted by the tall female taking a room
alone。 Wellsville is enjoying itself over the 〃sensation。〃
1。58。 A COLORED MAN OF THE NAME OF JEFFRIES。
One beautiful day last August； Mr。 Elmer of East Cleveland； sent his
hired colored man； of the name of Jeffries； to town with a two…horse
wagon to get a load of lime。 Mr。 Elmer gave Jeffries 5 dollars with
which to pay for the lime。 The horses were excellent ones； by the
way； nicely matched； and more than commonly fast。 The colored man
of the name of Jeffries came to town and drove to the Johnson Street
Station where he encountered a frail young woman of the name of
Jenkins； who had just been released from jail； where she had been
confined for naughtical conduct （drugging and robbing a sailor）。
〃Will you fly with me； adorable Jenkins？〃 he unto her did say； 〃or
words to that effect；〃 and unto him in reply she did up and say：
〃My African brother； I will。 Spirit；〃 she continued； alluding to a
stone jug under the seat in the wagon； 〃I follow！〃 Then into the
two…horse wagon this fair maiden got and knavely telling the
〃perlice；〃 to embark by the first packet for an unromantic land
where the climate is intensely tropical； and where even Laplanders；
who like fire； get more of a good thing than they wantdoing and
saying thus the woman of the name of Jenkins mounted the seat with
the colored man of the sweet name of Jeffries； and so these two
sweet； gushing children of nature rode gaily away。 Away towards the
setting sun。 Away towards Indianabright land of cheap whisky and
corn doin's！
1。59。 NAMES。
Any name which is suggestive of a joke； however poor the joke may
be； is often a nuisance。 We were once 〃confined〃 in a printing…
office with a man named Snow。 Everybody who came in was bound to
have a joke about Snow。 If it was Summer the mad wags would say we
ought to be cold； for we had Snow there all the timewhich was a
fact； though we sometimes wished Snow was where he would speedily
melt。 Not that we didn't like Snow。 Far from it。 His name was
what disgusted us。 It was also once our misfortune to daily mingle
with a man named Berry； we can't tell how many million times we
heard him called Elderberry； Raspberry； Blueberry； Huckleberry；
Gooseberry； &c。 The thing nearly made him deranged。 He joined the
filibusters and has made energetic efforts to get shot but had not
succeeded at last accounts； although we hear he has been 〃slewd〃
numerously。 There is a good deal in a name； our usually correct
friend W。 Shakespeare to the contrary notwithstanding。
Our own name is； unfortunately； one on which jokes； such as they
are； can be made； we cannot present a tabular statement of the times
we have done things brown （in the opinion of partial friends） or
have been asked if we were related to the eccentric old slave and
horse 〃liberator；〃 whose recent Virginia Reel has attracted so much
of the public attention。 Could we do so the array of figures would
be appalling。 And sometimes we think we will accept the first good
offer of marriage that is made to us； for the purpose of changing
our unhappy name； setting other interesting considerations entirely
aside。
1。60。 HE FOUND HE WOULD。
Several years ago Bill McCracken lived in Peru； Indiana。 （We were
in Peru several years ago； and it was a nice place we DON'T think。）
Mr。 McCracken was a screamer； and had whipped all the recognized
fighting men on the Wabash。 One day somebody told him that Jack
Long； blacksmith of Logansport； said he would give him （McCracken） a
protracted fit of sickness if he would just come down there and
smell of his bones。 The McCracken at once laid in a stock of
provisions； consisting of whisky in glass and chickens in the shell；
and started for Logansport。 In a few days； he was brought home in a
bunged…up condition； on a cot…bed。 One eye was gouged out； a
portion of his nose was chawed off； his left arm was in a sling； his
head was done up in an old rag； and he was pretty badly off himself。
He was set down in the village bar…room； and turning to the crowd
he； in a feeble voice； said； hot tears bedewing his face the while；
〃Boys； you know Jack Long said if I'd come down to Loginsput he'd
whale hll out of me； and boys； you know I didn't believe it； but
I've been down thar and I FOUND HE WOULD。〃
He recovered after a lapse of years and led a better life。 As he
said himself； he returned