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intellect was sharp and electric。 He saw the humor of anything
at a glance； and his manner of relating these laughter…provoking
absurdities is original and 〃fetching。〃
PRELIMINARY NOTES BY JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN。
Piccadilly； W。 Jan。 30； 1865。
There is a story of two 〃smart〃 Yankees； one named Hosea and the
other Hezekiah； who met in an oyster shop in Boston。 Said Hosea；
〃As to opening oysters； why nothing's easier if you only know
how。〃 〃And how's how？〃 asked Hezekiah。 〃Scotch snuff；〃 replied
Hosea； very gravely〃Scotch snuff。 Bring a little of it ever so
near their noses； and they'll sneeze their lids off。〃 〃I know a
man who knows a better plan；〃 observed Hezekiah。 〃He spreads the
bivalves in a circle； seats himself in the centre； reads a
chapter of Artemus Ward to them； and goes on until they get
interested。 One by one they gape with astonishment at A。 Ward's
whoppers； and as they gape my friend whips 'em out； peppers away；
and swallows 'em。〃
Excellent as all that Artemus Ward writes really is； and
exuberantly overflowing with humour as are nearly all his
articles； it is too bad to accuse him of telling 〃whoppers。〃 On
the contrary； the old Horatian question of 〃Who shall forbid me
to speak truth in laughter？〃 seems ever present to his mind。 His
latest production is the admirable paper 〃Artemus Ward among the
Fenians〃 which appears in Part 7。
If Artemus has on any occasion really told 〃whoppers；〃 it has
been in his announcements of being about to visit England。 From
time to time he has stated his intention of visiting this
country； and from time to time has he disappointed his English
friends。
He was coming to England after his trip to California； when；
laden with gold； he could think of no better place to spend it
in。
He was on his way to England when he and his companion； Mr。
Hingston； encountered the Pi…ute Indians； and narrowly escaped
scalping。
He was leaving for England with 〃Betsy Jane〃 and the 〃snaiks〃
before the American war was ended。
He had unscrewed the head of each of his 〃wax figgers；〃 and sent
each on board in a carpet…bag； labelled 〃For England；〃 just as Mr
Lincoln was assassinated。
He was hastening to England when the news came a few weeks ago
that he had been blown up in an oil well！
He has been on his way to England in every newspaper of the
American Union for the last two years。
Here is the latest announcement：
〃Artemus Ward； in a private letter； states that Doctor Kumming；
the famous London seer and profit； having foretold that the end
of the world will happen on his own birthday in January 1867； he；
Artemus； will not visit England until the latter end of 1866；
when the people there will be selling off； and dollars will be
plentiful。 Mr。 Ward says that he shall leave England in the last
steamer； in time to see the American eagle spread his wings； and
with the stars and stripes in his beek and tallents； sore away to
his knativ empyrehum。〃 American Paper。
But even this is likely to be a 〃whopper；〃 for a more reliable
private letter from Artemus declares his fixed purpose to leave
for England in the steamship City of Boston early in June； and
the probabilities are that he will be stepping on English shores
just about the time that these pages go to press。
Lest anything should happen to him； and England be for ever
deprived of seeing him； the most recent production of his pen；
together with two or three of his best things； are here embalmed
for preservation； on the principle adopted by the affectionate
widow of the bear…trainer of Perpignan。 〃I have nothing left；〃
said the woman； 〃I am absolutely without a roof to shelter me and
the poor animal。〃 〃Animal！〃 exclaimed the prefect； 〃you don't
mean to say that you keep the bear that devoured your husband？〃
〃Alas！〃 she replied； 〃it is all that is left to me of the poor
dear man！〃
If any other excuse be needed for thus presenting the British
public with A。 Ward's 〃last；〃 in addition to the pertinency of
the article and its real merit； that excuse may be found in the
fact that it is thoroughly new to readers on this side of the
Atlantic。
The general public will undoubtedly receive 〃Artemus Ward among
the Fenians〃 with approving laughter。 Should it fall into the
hands of a philo…Fenian the effect may be different。 To him it
would probably have the wrong action of the Yankee bone…picking
machine。
〃I've got a new machine；〃 said a Yankee pedlar； 〃for picking
bones out of fish。 Now； I tell you； it's a leetle bit the
darndest thing you ever did see。 All you have to do is to set it
on a table and turn a crank； and the fish flies right down your
throat and the bones right under the grate。 Well； there was a
country greenhorn got hold of it the other day； and he turned the
crank the wrong way； and； I tell you； the way the bones flew down
his throat was awful。 Why； it stuck that fellow so full of
bones； that he could not get his shirt off for a whole week！〃
In addition to the paper on the Fenians； two other articles by
Artemus Ward are reprinted in the present work。 One relates to
the city of Washington； and the other to the author's imaginary
town of Baldinsville。 Both are highly characteristic of the
writer and of his quaint spellingsa heterography not more odd
than that of the postmaster of Shawnee County； Missouri； who；
returning his account to the General Office； wrote； 〃I hearby
sertify that the four going A…Counte is as nere Rite as I now how
to make It； if there is any mistake it is not Dun a purpers。〃
Artemus Ward has created a new model for funny writers； and the
fact is noticeable that； in various parts of this country as well
as in his own； he has numerous puny imitators； who suppose that
by simply adopting his comic spelling they can write quite as
well as he can。 Perhaps it would be as well if they remembered
the joke of poor Thomas Hood； who said that he could write as
well as Shakespere if he had the mind to； but the trouble washe
had not got the mind。
* * *
A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH BY MELVILLE D。 LANDON。
Charles Farrar Browne； better known to the world as 〃Artemus
Ward；〃 was born at Waterford； Oxford County； Maine； on the
twenty…sixth of April； 1834； and died of consumption at
Southampton； England； on Wednesday； the sixth of March； 1867。
His father； Levi Browne； was a land surveyor； and Justice of the
Peace。 His mother； Caroline E。 Brown； is still living； and is a
descendant from Puritan stock。
Mr。 Browne's business manager； Mr。 Hingston； once asked him about
his Puritanic origin； when he replied： 〃I think we came from
Jerusalem； for my father's name was Levi and we had a Moses and a
Nathan in the family； but my poor brother's name was Cyrus； so；
perhaps； that makes us Persians。〃
Charles was partially educated at the Waterford school； when
family circumstances induced his parents to apprentice him to
learn the rudiments of printing in the office of the 〃Skowhegan
Clarion；〃 published some miles to the north of his native
village。 Here he passed through the dreadful ordeal to which a
printer's 〃devil〃 is generally subjected。 He always kept his
temp