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on ceremonial occasions。 The family had accepted her； the
Embassy could but follow suit。
〃It's late； dear； and I've got to see someone on business
first；〃 Strefford reminded her patiently。
〃Oh； StreffI can't； I can't！〃 The words broke from her
without her knowing what she was saying。 〃I can't go with
youI can't go to the Embassy。 I can't go on any longer like
this 。。。。〃 She lifted her eyes to his in desperate appeal。
〃Oh； understand…do please understand！〃 she wailed； knowing；
while she spoke； the utter impossibility of what she asked。
Strefford's face had gradually paled and hardened。 From sallow
it turned to a dusky white； and lines of obstinacy deepened
between the ironic eyebrows and about the weak amused mouth。
〃Understand？ What do you want me to understand；〃 He laughed。
〃That you're trying to chuck me already？〃
She shrank at the sneer of the 〃already；〃 but instantly
remembered that it was the only thing he could be expected to
say； since it was just because he couldn't understand that she
was flying from him。
〃Oh； Streffif I knew how to tell you！〃
〃It doesn't so much matter about the how。 Is that what you're
trying to say？〃
Her head drooped； and she saw the dead leaves whirling across
the path at her feet； lifted on a sudden wintry gust。
〃The reason；〃 he continued； clearing his throat with a stiff
smile； 〃is not quite as important to me as the fact。〃
She stood speechless； agonized by his pain。 But still； she
thought； he had remembered the dinner at the Embassy。 The
thought gave her courage to go on。
〃It wouldn't do； Streff。 I'm not a bit the kind of person to
make you happy。〃
〃Oh； leave that to me； please； won't you？〃
〃No； I can't。 Because I should be unhappy too。〃
He clicked at the leaves as they whirled past。 〃You've taken a
rather long time to find it out。〃 She saw that his new…born
sense of his own consequence was making him suffer even more
than his wounded affection； and that again gave her courage。
〃If I've taken long it's all the more reason why I shouldn't
take longer。 If I've made a mistake it's you who would have
suffered from it 。。。。〃
〃Thanks；〃 he said； 〃for your extreme solicitude。〃
She looked at him helplessly； penetrated by the despairing sense
of their inaccessibility to each other。 Then she remembered
that Nick； during their last talk together； had seemed as
inaccessible； and wondered if； when human souls try to get too
near each other； they do not inevitably become mere blurs to
each other's vision。 She would have liked to say this to
Streff…but he would not have understood it either。 The sense
of loneliness once more enveloped her； and she groped in vain
for a word that should reach him。
〃Let me go home alone； won't you？〃 she appealed to him。
〃Alone？〃
She nodded。 〃To…morrowto…morrow 。。。。〃
He tried； rather valiantly； to smile。 〃Hang tomorrow！ Whatever
is wrong； it needn't prevent my seeing you home。〃 He glanced
toward the taxi that awaited them at the end of the deserted
drive。
〃No； please。 You're in a hurry； take the taxi。 I want
immensely a long long walk by myself 。。。 through the streets；
with the lights coming out 。。。。〃
He laid his hand on her arm。 〃I say； my dear； you're not ill？〃
〃No； I'm not ill。 But you may say I am； to…night at the
Embassy。〃
He released her and drew back。 〃Oh； very well；〃 he answered
coldly； and she understood by his tone that the knot was cut；
and that at that moment he almost hated her。 She turned away；
hastening down the deserted alley； flying from him； and knowing；
as she fled； that he was still standing there motionless；
staring after her； wounded； humiliated； uncomprehending。 It was
neither her fault nor his 。。。。
XXIII
AS she fled on toward the lights of the streets a breath of
freedom seemed to blow into her face。
Like a weary load the accumulated hypocrisies of the last months
had dropped from her： she was herself again； Nick's Susy； and
no one else's。 She sped on； staring with bright bewildered eyes
at the stately facades of the La Muette quarter； the
perspectives of bare trees； the awakening glitter of shop…
windows holding out to her all the things she would never again
be able to buy 。。。。
In an avenue of shops she paused before a milliner's window； and
said to herself： 〃Why shouldn't I earn my living by trimming
hats？〃 She met work…girls streaming out under a doorway； and
scattering to catch trams and omnibuses； and she looked with
newly…wakened interest at their tired independent faces。 〃Why
shouldn't I earn my living as well as they do？〃 she thought。 A
little farther on she passed a Sister of Charity with softly
trotting feet； a calm anonymous glance； and hands hidden in her
capacious sleeves。 Susy looked at her and thought： 〃Why
shouldn't I be a Sister； and have no money to worry about； and
trot about under a white coif helping poor people？〃
All these strangers on whom she smiled in passing； and glanced
back at enviously； were free from the necessities that enslaved
her； and would not have known what she meant if she had told
them that she must have so much money for her dresses； so much
for her cigarettes； so much for bridge and cabs and tips； and
all kinds of extras； and that at that moment she ought to be
hurrying back to a dinner at the British Embassy； where her
permanent right to such luxuries was to be solemnly recognized
and ratified。
The artificiality and unreality of her life overcame her as with
stifling fumes。 She stopped at a street…corner； drawing long
panting breaths as if she had been running a race。 Then； slowly
and aimlessly； she began to saunter along a street of small
private houses in damp gardens that led to the Avenue du Bois。
She sat down on a bench。 Not far off； the Arc de Triomphe
raised its august bulk； and beyond it a river of lights streamed
down toward Paris； and the stir of the city's heart…beats
troubled the quiet in her bosom。 But not for long。 She seemed
to be looking at it all from the other side of the grave； and as
she got up and wandered down the Champs Elysees； half empty in
the evening lull between dusk and dinner； she felt as if the
glittering avenue were really changed into the Field of Shadows
from which it takes its name； and as if she were a ghost among
ghosts。
Halfway home； a weakness of loneliness overcame her； and she
seated herself under the trees near the Rond Point。 Lines of
motors and carriages were beginning to animate the converging
thoroughfares； streaming abreast； crossing； winding in and out
of each other in a tangle of hurried pleasure…seeking。 She
caught the light on jewels and shirt…fronts and hard bored eyes
emerging from dim billows of fur and velvet。 She seemed to hear
what the couples were saying to each other； she pictured the
drawing…rooms； restaurants； dance…hal