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When I have seen this enemy at my feet； I shall start down town
（stopping on the way to brain the teller at my bank； who is
perennially paring his nails； and refuses to see me until that
operation is performed）； to the office of a night…boat line； where
the clerk has so often forced me； with hundreds of other weary
victims； to stand in line like convicts； while he chats with a
〃lady friend；〃 his back turned to us and his leg comfortably thrown
over the arm of his chair。 Then I will take my blood…stained way …
but； no！ It is better not to put my victims on their guard； but to
abide my time in silence！ Courage； fellow…slaves； our day will
come！
CHAPTER 40 … Introspection *
THE close of a year must bring even to the careless and the least
inclined toward self…inspection； an hour of thoughtfulness； a
desire to glance back across the past； and set one's mental house
in order； before starting out on another stage of the journey for
that none too distant bourne toward which we all are moving。
* December thirty…first； 1888。
Our minds are like solitary dwellers in a vast residence； whom
habit has accustomed to live in a few only of the countless
chambers around them。 We have collected from other parts of our
lives mental furniture and bric…a…brac that time and association
have endeared to us； have installed these meagre belongings
convenient to our hand； and contrived an entrance giving facile
access to our living…rooms； avoiding the effort of a long detour
through the echoing corridors and disused salons behind。 No
acquaintances； and but few friends； penetrate into the private
chambers of our thoughts。 We set aside a common room for the
reception of visitors； making it as cheerful as circumstances will
allow and take care that the conversation therein rarely turns on
any subject more personal than the view from the windows or the
prophecies of the barometer。
In the old…fashioned brick palace at Kensington； a little suite of
rooms is carefully guarded from the public gaze； swept； garnished
and tended as though the occupants of long ago were hourly expected
to return。 The early years of England's aged sovereign were passed
in these simple apartments and by her orders they have been kept
unchanged； the furniture and decorations remaining to…day as when
she inhabited them。 In one corner； is assembled a group of dolls；
dressed in the quaint finery of 1825。 A set of miniature cooking
utensils stands near by。 A child's scrap…books and color…boxes lie
on the tables。 In one sunny chamber stands the little white…draped
bed where the heiress to the greatest crown on earth dreamed her
childish dreams； and from which she was hastily aroused one June
morning to be saluted as Queen。 So homelike and livable an air
pervades the place； that one almost expects to see the lonely
little girl of seventy years ago playing about the unpretending
chambers。
Affection for the past and a reverence for the memory of the dead
have caused the royal wife and mother to preserve with the same
care souvenirs of her passage in other royal residences。 The
apartments that sheltered the first happy months of her wedded
life； the rooms where she knew the joys and anxieties of maternity；
have become for her consecrated sanctuaries； where the widowed；
broken old lady comes on certain anniversaries to evoke the
unforgotten past； to meditate and to pray。
Who； as the year is drawing to its close； does not open in memory
some such sacred portal； and sit down in the familiar rooms to live
over again the old hopes and fears； thrilling anew with the joys
and temptations of other days？ Yet； each year these pilgrimages
into the past must become more and more lonely journeys； the
friends whom we can take by the hand and lead back to our old homes
become fewer with each decade。 It would be a useless sacrilege to
force some listless acquaintance to accompany us。 He would not
hear the voices that call to us； or see the loved faces that people
the silent passages； and would wonder what attraction we could find
in the stuffy； old…fashioned quarters。
Many people have such a dislike for any mental privacy that they
pass their lives in public； or surrounded only by sporting trophies
and games。 Some enjoy living in their pantries； composing for
themselves succulent dishes； and interested in the doings of the
servants； their companions。 Others have turned their salons into
nurseries； or feel a predilection for the stable and the dog…
kennels。 Such people soon weary of their surroundings； and move
constantly； destroying； when they leave old quarters； all the
objects they had collected。
The men and women who have thus curtailed their belongings are；
however； quite contented with themselves。 No doubts ever harass
them as to the commodity or appropriateness of their lodgements and
look with pity and contempt on friends who remain faithful to old
habitations。 The drawback to a migratory existence； however； is
the fact that； as a French saying has put it； CEUX QUI SE REFUSENT
LES PENSEES SERIEUSES TOMBENT DANS LES IDEES NOIRES。 These people
are surprised to find as the years go by that the futile amusements
to which they have devoted themselves do not fill to their
satisfaction all the hours of a lifetime。 Having provided no books
nor learned to practise any art； the time hangs heavily on their
hands。 They dare not look forward into the future； so blank and
cheerless does it appear。 The past is even more distasteful to
them。 So； to fill the void in their hearts； they hurry out into
the crowd as a refuge from their own thoughts。
Happy those who care to revisit old abodes； childhood's remote
wing； and the moonlit porches where they knew the rapture of a
first…love whisper。 Who can enter the chapel where their dead lie；
and feel no blush of self…reproach； nor burning consciousness of
broken faith nor wasted opportunities？ The new year will bring to
them as near an approach to perfect happiness as can be attained in
life's journey。 The fortunate mortals are rare who can； without a
heartache or regret； pass through their disused and abandoned
dwellings； who dare to open every door and enter all the silent
rooms； who do not hurry shudderingly by some obscure corners； and
return with a sigh of relief to the cheerful sunlight and murmurs
of the present。
Sleepless midnight hours come inevitably to each of us； when the
creaking gates of subterranean passages far down in our
consciousness open of themselves； and ghostly inhabitants steal out
of awful vaults and force us to look again into their faces and
touch their unhealed wounds。
An old lady whose cheerfulness under a hundred griefs and
tribulations was a marvel and an example； once told a man who had
come to her for counsel in a moment of bitter