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reflecting what we have done to acquire it。 The agents chosen by
our government to treat diplomatically with the conquered nations；
owe their selection to political motives rather than to their tact
or fitness。 In the large majority of cases men are sent over who
know little either of the habits or languages prevailing in Europe。
The worst elements always follow in the wake of discovery。 Our
settlements abroad gradually became the abode of the compromised；
the divorced； the socially and financially bankrupt。
Within the last decade we have found a way to revenge the slights
put upon us； especially those offered to Americans in the capital
of Gaul。 Having for the moment no playwrights of our own； the men
who concoct dramas； comedies； and burlesques for our stage find；
instead of wearying themselves in trying to produce original
matter； that it is much simpler to adapt from French writers。 This
has been carried to such a length that entire French plays are now
produced in New York signed by American names。
The great French playwrights can protect themselves by taking out
American copyright； but if one of them omits this formality； the
〃conquerors〃 immediately seize upon his work and translate it；
omitting intentionally all mention of the real author on their
programmes。 This season a play was produced of which the first act
was taken from Guy de Maupassant； the second and third 〃adapted〃
from Sardou； with episodes introduced from other authors to
brighten the mixture。 The piece thus patched together is signed by
a well…known Anglo…Saxon name； and accepted by our moral public；
although the original of the first act was stopped by the Parisian
police as too immoral for that gay capital。
Of what use would it be to 〃discover〃 a new continent unless the
explorers were to reap some such benefits？ Let us take every
advantage that our proud position gives us； plundering the foreign
authors； making penal settlements of their capitals； and ignoring
their foolish customs and prejudices when we travel among them！ In
this way shall we effectually impress on the inferior races across
the Atlantic the greatness of the American nation。
CHAPTER 39 … A Race of Slaves
IT is all very well for us to have invaded Europe； and awakened
that somnolent continent to the lights and delights of American
ways； to have beautified the cities of the old world with graceful
trolleys and illuminated the catacombs at Rome with electricity。
Every true American must thrill with satisfaction at these
achievements； and the knowledge that he belongs to a dominating
race； before which the waning civilization of Europe must fade away
and disappear。
To have discovered Europe and to rule as conquerors abroad is well；
but it is not enough； if we are led in chains at home。 It is
recorded of a certain ambitious captain whose 〃Commentaries〃 made
our school…days a burden； that 〃he preferred to be the first in a
village rather than second at Rome。〃 Oddly enough； WE are
contented to be slaves in our villages while we are conquerors in
Rome。 Can it be that the struggles of our ancestors for freedom
were fought in vain？ Did they throw off the yoke of kings； cross
the Atlantic； found a new form of government on a new continent；
break with traditions； and sign a declaration of independence； only
that we should succumb； a century later； yielding the fruits of
their hard…fought battles with craven supineness into the hands of
corporations and municipalities； humbly bowing necks that refuse to
bend before anointed sovereigns； to the will of steamboat
subordinates； the insolence of be…diamonded hotel…clerks； and the
captious conductor？
Last week my train from Washington arrived in Jersey City on time。
We scurried （like good Americans） to the ferry…boat； hot and tired
and anxious to get to our destination； a hope deferred； however；
for our boat was kept waiting forty long minutes； because；
forsooth； another train from somewhere in the South was behind
time。 Expostulations were in vain。 Being only the paying public；
we had no rights that those autocrats； the officials； were bound to
respect。 The argument that if they knew the southern train to be
so much behind； the ferry…boat would have plenty of time to take us
across and return； was of no avail； so； like a cargo of 〃moo…cows〃
（as the children say）； we submitted meekly。 In order to make the
time pass more pleasantly for the two hundred people gathered on
the boat； a dusky potentate judged the moment appropriate to scrub
the cabin floors。 So； aided by a couple of subordinates； he
proceeded to deluge the entire place in floods of water； obliging
us to sit with our feet tucked up under us； splashing the ladies'
skirts and our wraps and belongings。
Such treatment of the public would have raised a riot anywhere but
in this land of freedom。 Do you suppose any one murmured？ Not at
all。 The well…trained public had the air of being in church。 My
neighbors appeared astonished at my impatience； and informed me
that they were often detained in that way； as the company was short
of boats； but they hoped to have a new one in a year or two。 This
detail did not prevent that corporation advertising our train to
arrive in New York at three…thirteen； instead of which we landed at
four o'clock。 If a similar breach of contract had happened in
England； a dozen letters would have appeared in the 〃Times；〃 and
the grievance been well aired。
Another infliction to which all who travel in America are subjected
is the brushing atrocity。 Twenty minutes before a train arrives at
its destination； the despot who has taken no notice of any one up
to this moment； except to snub them； becomes suspiciously attentive
and insists on brushing everybody。 The dirt one traveller has been
accumulating is sent in clouds into the faces of his neighbors。
When he is polished off and has paid his 〃quarter〃 of tribute； the
next man gets up； and the dirt is then brushed back on to number
one； with number two's collection added。
Labiche begins one of his plays with two servants at work in a
salon。 〃Dusting；〃 says one of them； 〃is the art of sending the
dirt from the chair on the right over to the sofa on the left。〃 I
always think of that remark when I see the process performed in a
parlor car； for when it is over we are all exactly where we began。
If a man should shampoo his hair； or have his boots cleaned in a
salon； he would be ejected as a boor； yet the idea apparently never
enters the heads of those who soil and choke their fellow…
passengers that the brushing might be done in the vestibule。
On the subject of fresh air and heat we are also in the hands of
officials； dozens of passengers being made to suffer for the
caprices of one of their number； or the taste of some captious
inval