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describe it only by saying that he let go of himself and went
down with a thud。
I reverted to the occasion when he lunched with me at the Club。
We had cutlets； and I noticed that he ate his in a somewhat
finicking manner； yet having left the table for a moment to
consult the sweets…card； I saw； when I returned； that there was
now no bone on his plate。 The waiters were looking at him rather
curiously。
David was very partial to him； but showed it in a somewhat
singular manner； used to pat his head； for instance。 I
remembered； also； that while David shouted to me or Irene to
attract our attention； he usually whistled to Paterson； he could
not explain why。
These ghosts made me to sweat in bed； not merely that night； but
often when some new shock brought them back in force； yet；
unsupported； they would have disturbed me little by day。 Day；
however； had its reflections； and they came to me while I was
shaving； that ten minutes when； brought face to face with the
harsher realities of life； we see things most clearly as they
are。 Then the beautiful nature of Paterson loomed offensively；
and his honest eyes insulted over me。 No one come to nigh twenty
years had a right to such faith in his fellow…creatures。 He
could not backbite； nor envy； nor prevaricate； nor jump at mean
motives for generous acts。 He had not a single base story about
women。 It all seemed inhuman。
What creatures we be！ I was more than half ashamed of Paterson's
faith in me； but when I saw it begin to shrink I fought for it。
An easy task； you may say； but it was a hard one； for gradually a
change had come over the youth。 I am now arrived at a time when
the light…heartedness had gone out of him； he had lost his zest
for fun； and dubiety sat in the eyes that were once so certain。
He was not doubtful of me； not then； but of human nature in
general； that whilom noble edifice was tottering。 He mixed with
boys in the Gardens； ah； mothers； it is hard to say； but how
could he retain his innocence when he had mixed with boys？ He
heard your talk of yourselves； and so； ladies； that part of the
edifice went down。 I have not the heart to follow him in all his
discoveries。 Sometimes he went in flame at them； but for the
most part he stood looking on； bewildered and numbed； like one
moaning inwardly。
He saw all； as one fresh to the world； before he had time to
breathe upon the glass。 So would your child be； madam； if born
with a man's powers； and when disillusioned of all else； he would
cling for a moment longer to you； the woman of whom； before he
saw you； he had heard so much。 How you would strive to cheat
him； even as I strove to hide my real self from Paterson； and
still you would strive as I strove after you knew the game was
up。
The sorrowful eyes of Paterson stripped me bare。 There were days
when I could not endure looking at him； though surely I have long
ceased to be a vain man。 He still met us in the Gardens； but for
hours he and I would be together without speaking。 It was so
upon the last day； one of those innumerable dreary days when
David； having sneezed the night before； was kept at home in
flannel； and I sat alone with Paterson on the Story…seat。 At
last I turned to address him。 Never had we spoken of what
chained our tongues； and I meant only to say now that we must go；
for soon the gates would close； but when I looked at him I saw
that he was more mournful than ever before； he shut his eyes so
tightly that a drop of blood fell from them。
〃It was all over； Paterson； long ago；〃 I broke out harshly； 〃why
do we linger？〃
He beat his hands together miserably； and yet cast me appealing
looks that had much affection in them。
〃You expected too much of me；〃 I told him； and he bowed his head。
〃I don't know where you brought your grand ideas of men and women
from。 I don't want to know；〃 I added hastily。
〃But it must have been from a prettier world than this；〃 I said：
〃are you quite sure that you were wise in leaving it？〃
He rose and sat down again。 〃I wanted to know you；〃 he replied
slowly； 〃I wanted to be like you。〃
〃And now you know me；〃 I said； 〃do you want to be like me still？
I am a curious person to attach oneself to； Paterson； don't you
see that even David often smiles at me when he thinks he is
unobserved。 I work very hard to retain that little boy's love；
but I shall lose him soon； even now I am not what I was to him；
in a year or two at longest； Paterson； David will grow out of
me。〃
The poor fellow shot out his hand to me； but 〃No；〃 said I； 〃you
have found me out。 Everybody finds me out except my dog； and
that is why the loss of him makes such a difference to me。 Shall
we go； Paterson？〃
He would not come with me； and I left him on the seat； when I was
far away I looked back； and he was still sitting there forlornly。
For long I could not close my ears that night： I lay listening； I
knew not what for。 A scare was on me that made me dislike the
dark； and I switched on the light and slept at last。 I was
roused by a great to…do in the early morning； servants knocking
excitedly； and my door opened； and the dear Porthos I had mourned
so long tore in。 They had heard his bark； but whence he came no
one knew。
He was in excellent condition； and after he had leaped upon me
from all points I flung him on the floor by a trick I know； and
lay down beside him； while he put his protecting arm round me and
looked at me with the old adoring eyes。
But we never saw Paterson again。 You may think as you choose。
XXII
Joey
Wise children always choose a mother who was a shocking flirt in
her maiden days； and so had several offers before she accepted
their fortunate papa。 The reason they do this is because every
offer refused by their mother means another pantomime to them。
You see you can't trust to your father's taking you to the
pantomime； but you can trust to every one of the poor frenzied
gentlemen for whom that lady has wept a delicious little tear on
her lovely little cambric handkerchief。 It is pretty （but
dreadfully affecting） to see them on Boxing Night gathering
together the babies of their old loves。 Some knock at but one
door and bring a hansom； but others go from street to street in
private 'buses； and even wear false noses to conceal the
sufferings you inflict upon them as you grew more and more like
your sweet cruel mamma。
So I took David to the pantomime； and I hope you follow my
reasoning； for I don't。 He went with the fairest anticipations；
pausing on the threshold to peer through the hole in the little
house called 〃Pay Here；〃 which he thought was Red Riding Hood's
residence； and asked politely whether he might see her； but they
said she had gone to the wood； and it was quite true； for there
she was in the wood gathering a stick for her grandmother's fire。
She sang a beautiful song about the Boys and their d