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What a business。 You go along your whole life and they seem as though they mean something and they always end up not meaning anything。 There was never any of what this is。 You think that is one thing that you will never have。 And then； on a lousy show like this； co…ordinating two chicken…crut guerilla bands to help you blow a bridge under impossible conditions； to abort a counteroffensive that will probably already be started； you run into a girl like this Maria。 Sure。 That is what you would do。 You ran into her rather late； that was all。
So a woman like that Pilar practically pushed this girl into your sleeping bag and what happens？ Yes； what happens？ What happens？ You tell me what happens； please。 Yes。 That is just what happens。 That is exactly what happens。
Don't lie to yourself about Pilar pushing her into your sleeping robe and try to make it nothing or to make it lousy。 You were gone when you first saw her。 When she first opened her mouth and spoke to you it was there already and you know it。 Since you have it and you never thought you would have it； there is no sense throwing dirt at it； when you know what it is and you know it came the first time you looked at her as she came out bent over carrying that iron cooking platter。
It hit you then and you know it and so why lie about it？ You went all strange inside every time you looked at her and every time she looked at you。 So why don't you admit it？ All right； I'll admit it。 And as for Pilar pushing her onto you； all Pilar did was be an intelligent woman。 She had taken good care of the girl and she saw what was coming the minute the girl came back into the cave with the cooking dish。
So she made things easier。 She made things easier so that there was last night and this afternoon。 She is a damned sight more civilized than you are and she knows what time is all about。 Yes； he said to himself； I think we can admit that she has certain notions about the value of time。 She took a beating and all because she did not want other people losing what she'd lost and then the idea of admitting it was lost was too big a thing to swallow。 So she took a beating back there on the hill and I guess we did not make it any easier for her。
Well； so that is what happens and what has happened and you might as well admit it and now you will never have two whole nights with her。 Not a lifetime； not to live together； not to have what people were always supposed to have； not at all。 One night that is past； once one afternoon； one night to come； maybe。 No； sir。
Not time； not happiness； not fun； not children； not a house； not a bathroom； not a clean pair of pajamas； not the morning paper； not to wake up together； not to wake and know she's there and that you're not alone。 No。 None of that。 But why； when this is all you are going to get in life of what you want； when you have found it； why not just one night in a bed with sheets？
You ask for the impossible。 You ask for the ruddy impossible。 So if you love this girl as much as you say you do； you had better love her very hard and make up in intensity what the relation will lack in duration and in continuity。 Do you hear that？ In the old days people devoted a lifetime to it。 And now when you have found it if you get two nights you wonder where all the luck came from。 Two nights。 Two nights to love； honor and cherish。 For better and for worse。 In sickness and in death。 No that wasn't it。 In sickness and in health。 Till death do us part。 In two nights。 Much more than likely。 Much more than likely and now lay off that sort of thinking。 You can stop that now。 That's not good for you。 Do nothing that is not good for you。 Sure that's it。
This was what Golz had talked about。 The longer he was around； the smarter Golz seemed。 So this was what he was asking about； the compensation of irregular service。 Had Golz had this and was it the urgency and the lack of time and the circumstances that made it？ Was this something that happened to every one given comparable circumstances？ And did he only think it was something special because it was happening to him？ Had Golz slept around in a hurry when he was commanding irregular cavalry in the Red Army and had the combination of the circumstances and the rest of it made the girls seem the way Maria was？
Probably Golz knew all about this too and wanted to make the point that you must make your whole life in the two nights that are given to you； that living as we do now you must concentrate all of that which you should always have into the short time that you can have it。
It was a good system of belief。 But he did not believe that Maria had only been made by the circumstances。 Unless； of course； she is a reaction from her own circumstance as well as his。 Her one circumstance is not so good； he thought。 No； not so good。
If this was how it was then this was how it was。 But there was no law that made him say he liked it。 I did not know that I could ever feel what I have felt； he thought。 Nor that this could happen to me。 I would like to have it for my whole life。 You will； the other part of him said。 You will。 You have it _now_ and that is all your whole life is； now。 There is nothing else than now。 There is neither yesterday； certainly； nor is there any tomorrow。 How old must you be before you know that？ There is only now； and if now is only two days； then two days is your life and everything in it will be in proportion。 This is how you live a life in two days。 And if you stop complaining and asking for what you never will get； you will have a good life。 A good life is not measured by any biblical span。
So now do not worry； take what you have； and do your work and you will have a long life and a very merry one。 Hasn't it been merry lately？ What are you complaining about？ That's the thing about this sort of work； he told himself； and was very pleased with the thought； it isn't so much what you learn as it is the people you meet。 He was pleased then because he was joking and he came back to the girl。
〃I love you； rabbit；〃 he said to the girl。 〃What was it you were saying？〃
〃I was saying；〃 she told him； 〃that you must not worry about your work because I will not bother you nor interfere。 If there is anything I can do you will tell me。〃
〃There's nothing；〃 he said。 〃It is really very simple。〃
〃I will learn from Pilar what I should do to take care of a man well and those things I will do；〃 Maria said。 〃Then； as I learn； I will discover things for myself and other things you can tell me。〃
〃There is nothing to do。〃
〃_Qu椤a_； man； there is nothing！ Thy sleeping robe； this morning； should have been shaken and aired and hung somewhere in the sun。 Then； before the dew comes； it should be taken into shelter。〃
〃Go on； rabbit。〃
〃Thy socks should be washed and dried。 I would see thee had two pair。〃
〃What else？〃
〃If thou would show me I would clean and oil thy pistol。〃
〃Kiss me；〃 Robert Jordan said。
〃Nay； this is serious。 Wilt thou show me about the pistol？ Pilar has rags and oil。 There is a cleaning rod inside the cave that should fit it。〃
〃Sure。 I'll show you。〃
〃Then；〃 Maria said。 〃If you will teach me to shoot it either one of us could shoot the other and himself； or herself； if one were wou